The Goddess and GUBU: Square Dancing at the Triple GGG Ranch

[GoatGal]

Oh, and one last thing.

Over the years I always saw the best in him, whereas recently he tried to find so many things "wrong" with me to justify the way he felt and to excuse his actions.

Things are now reversed.

The complaints he had about me had little to no value.
The more I consider the few issues he brought up, the more I can see that they were deflections from dealing with his own issues.

They say to look at everything and decide which complaints "sting" and therefore have merit, which complaints are valid and things that we should change.

Well, the complaints, such as they were, were very much extensions of his own problems.
He took responsibility for my emotions, so if I was ever upset, he got upset with me. And I didn't get upset often. Any minor frustration I expressed, he took as a personal blow. Maybe because he felt he was supposed to "make" me happy.

If he was generous with money, and I wasn't "happy" all the time, then there was either something wrong with me, or he wasn't doing his job of "making" me happy.

There was a lot of this stuff.

Yet, my requests for attention, affection, and emotional closeness, quality time, not only went unaddressed, they turned into attacks on ME.

Now since BD, he believed because he was unhappy, that it must have been my fault for not doing my job and making him so. Therefore, I deserved what I got from him.

Because he "Gave me EVERYTHING".

His "reasons" for not ML with me in the past were also smokescreens for his problems. He turned things around on me, saying I wasn't attractive, I wasn't political enough, that I said or did this or that minuscule thing.
All manipulative. All designed to avoid pointing the finger at the REAL PROBLEM, which resided inside of him. His problems with porn and intimacy.

But he tried to make it about me. This has been our entire relationship. There was a constant distancing act going on with him, and I learned early on to accept it.

But I lied to myself.

I DID want a good, strong emotional and physical connection with someone. I didn't get it with him. And looking back, it was a bargain I struck with myself which was unfair to me.

I want those things NOW.

I'm not saying I was perfect, but there was very little he had to complain about. I see now I pretty much let him walk all over me emotionally.

So the tables are turned, because the things he said about my failings were LIES, and I see now they weren't true.

And the good qualities I believed he had are no longer in evidence.

I know I'm rambling now, but one of the reasons I haven't been posting is because I've been doing so much thinking.

I am much more of a human than he wanted me to think I was.

And he is much less of one than I believed him to be.


---(G)GGG