I have been reading through threads and am starting to see that my H's crisis started a long time ago - in fact i would say 4 years ago - when he hit 40.
He went through a period over 2 years which was similar to what he is doing now - he didn't leave me or our home though, he struck up a online relationship with women on a swingers website, stated talking about sex fantasies (which I refused to allow play out), he was secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered and selfish. He put me down and belittled me, then he persuaded me that it was me who had a problem and I should seek help.
After 2 yrs he changed job ..again .. and he started to feel good about himself again - he said it was like he had been living in a fog and it had lifted - he was mortified how he had treated me, said he couldn't remember some of it, and then he went into damage control with us as by that time I was all but ready to leave him. He said he felt that he had taken on too much - changing job & studying for a degree etc and that it all must have got on top of him, but he was fine now.
Fast forward 18 months later - everything seemed fine, we were happy again, everything was coming together, big promotion, last S leaving home, making plans for our future and then he chucked bomb1 at me.
And here we are again - but this time he has left me, no longer 'in love with me or physically attracted to me", replaced me with OW within 8 weeks of leaving (24yrs years and I can be replaced that quick = hurt and pain ) as mentioned in my first post, he is out there sucking in life with all his might.
So it seems that this maybe round 2 for me. Does this happen often, is he still in crisis or did he come out of crisis a couple of years ago and this is a separate issue -he said he has changed, that it changed him - so maybe this is just a normal sad ending to my marriage? I don't know now.
As everyone has pointed out, this now has to be about me and that is where my focus tries very hard to be. Everything I do, the decisions I now make, none of them include him. I know my marriage is over, he doesn't want it anymore and it doesn't matter what I want, he has made his decision and it was his to make.
I read yesterday that we are like two trees standing side by side that have grown together, our roots and branches have entwined and trying to untangle us without doing damage to our branches and roots takes time, if done too quickly is risks permanent damage. I like that - I understand that. This is going to take time for me, I must allow myself to feel how I feel when I feel it, know its ok. One day I will be untangled and my branches will be swaying in the wind free again. My roots - I feel will always be tangled with his, he was a huge part of of life - I spent over half of it with him by my side, he leaves a void and emptiness inside me that only he can fill. I still love him as deeply as ever, what he is doing to me and my boys is painful, sad, confusing and shocking but by what I have read it sounds like he is lost. I just hope that one day he finds the happiness he is looking for.
