I am so full of anger and resentment that I can't seem to move on from it... So I need to face it. All of it in it's disgustingly ugly glory.
I'm on the verge of hating H and while that's somewhat alarming I'm more concerned about my feelings of apathy toward him.
I am not doing well with calming myself and staying centered. D has been a huge handful lately and I'm not handling it well. I just have no patience for having to repeat myself 1,000 times. I can tell she's a bit off kilter and that's not helping me stay grounded. I'm a mess but i look good on the outside.
Ok, that's not really true. A number of people in the last week have asked me if I'm ok. That's not something people have asked me before. I wonder if I have resting pissed off face lately. I have these moments of severe darkness where I think about how all of this is just so typical of H and apparently it's showing on my face. I never could bluff my way out of anything once someone looked in my eyes, I'm a terrible poker player.
To walk away with no plan, to be stubborn for the sake of stubbornness, to have no direction, or personal goal, to not do the work, the real hard work. I'm not mind reading here. I can see that he's making visualization boards of the life he wants, which is great but he's not asking himself what HE did to contribute to the demise of our relationship and that's just so typical.
And I'm the bitter seperatee.
Not attractive but it's reality right now. I'm bitter. There's no question.
I've been meditating every day and I feel good for about 30 minutes after but I can't maintain the feeling of mindfulness for long and the negative thoughts and bitterness creep back into my head and heart.
I think I need some serious time away. I feel like the water level is getting higher and higher everyday and I'm going to slowly drown. How do I stay empowered and strong?
Tonight while D and I were getting ready for our mother/daughter photoshoot (my friend takes our photos and I take hers with her daughter, even exchange. We've done it once before), H came over. He had no idea we were doing this. He asks why D is all dressed up and her hair blow dry, etc. she tells him.
A few minutes later I come down stairs in a skirt, heels, silk top with my hair all bouncy and shiny, makeup applied perfectly, etc and he asks if I'm in the photos, too (duh). I reply, yes.
He asks if these photos are Christmas card photos and his face looked shocked and braced for bad news, like he was about to be hurt and angry.
I said, "the photographer is taking a couple shots of just D and that'll be a holiday photo but the rest are a mother/daughter session".
He seemed relieved that I was implying I wasn't sending out "family holiday cards" with just D and I.
But in reality, if we were divorced, that's exactly what I'd do. If he wants a divorce why can't he face the reality of a divorced life? Separate holidays, separate holiday cards, separate, separate, separate!!!!
I'm angry and bitter about that, too.
I'm the bitter divorcee I always joked about (except I'm not a barfly with Botox like the ones I see around here).
I think I need sometime to hate myself in this stage before moving on.
