Yeah.....Might. You and uR and everyone else.... I know. I totally know.
I'm not doing myself any favors by being available. I'm not in the desperate needy way I was, though. I'm just really not doing anything to be unavailable.
Trying not to be too tough on myself, since I've had a lot going on with kiddos. I do need to do better, tho. For me.
I have more digging to do. And I'm not looking forward to that. It takes a lot of energy I don't have. Although, if I don't do it, I'll never have the energy to get to where I want to be.
Here's what's bothering me:
I'm still spinning about the conversation 2 weeks ago with xh. Where he acknowledged everything. It's bringing up a lot of past hurt and stuff. And old wounds. And suddenly I'm feeling small again? Why? I should feel awesome that he said that stuff, right?
I can't quite sort it out.
H isn't on really my mind as much anymore, overall. Even this last thing, I move on from it quicker each time. I hurt, yes. I can process it, and get out of that so much better now.
I'm still soooooooooo reluctant to put myself out there. Why? What the he!! am I afraid of, for goodness sakes??
All my worst fears of rejection and abandonment have pretty much happened in the most destructive and horrible way possible .......soooo....what could be worse?
Why am I stuck? I make a plan to make a plan...then I talk myself out of it. And I'm a GOOD talker. I believe me. Even when I'm lying to myself.
