Hi, Lou. First, I'm sorry you're here. You sound like you're doing well, all things considered.
I'll be glad to offer my .02 regarding your questions.
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So my questions are : Do I contact him before I go to say goodbye?
If telling H to say goodbye is attached to any expectation from him, sort through that first. Going in with any expectations above zero, will be a set up for disappointment.
Now, if you FEEL it should be communicated because that's what YOU want to do, regardless of how he responds, I would consider it.
Don't do anything solely for his benefit right now.
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If yes, what do I say.
I have found that shorter, factual, non-emotional words are best. Just state the logistics. Anything else will possibly be seen as pursuing, or R talk.
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Do I tell him I am back when I return?
IMO, see how you feel at that point. Keeping expectations set at zero. Much can happen between now and then. One step at a time.
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Do you think me leaving will have an affect on him - what should I expect and how do I deal with it.
It could. If it is MLC, then expect the unexpected. The craziest things can be said. Things turn from sweet to crazy venom spew in seconds.
Lou, I see you trying to plan, prepare, figure this out, learn what to say, when to say it. It's all very normal. We all do this when we find our lives have flipped upside down.
The thing is, there is no way to know how your H will respond.
The best thing for you right now, is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep the focus on you. Not on his reactions. You'll drive yourself crazy. And I know, because I did it for a long, long time. A few of my good friends here can attest to that.
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I don't want to do or say something that will cause problems or stress for me or him. I want him to feel safe coming to me when he needs it, but I also need to protect myself from more hurt. This MLC thing is a minefield !! :o) xx
Oh, yeah. The minefield.
Here's the thing. There isn't really one single thing or comment that will be a game-changer in this entire process. You will find yourself saying some things that have a positive impact. Other things you'll decide you won't say again. It will be different for you than anyone else here.
For me, I found that validating H emotions was huge. I didn't necessarily agree with his choices. I validated how he felt.
Other stuff....Judgmental comments can often make them run. Relationship talks are not good. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? I think it's in newcomers....
This is going to be a long road. Not an easy one.
This journey your H has to take, is also an opportunity for your own journey. You'll learn so much about yourself if you do the work. You won't regret it.
I think it's great that your going on this trip, Lou. It truly is the hardest thing to get out of their way, to allow them to walk on their own. I'm still working on that, myself.
