I saw a post from Billfrom Yorktown on detaching, and I think I've got to detach from the board for just a little bit to get my mind off my sitch unless I've got something I really need to say. Please take no offense my friends if you don't see me for a few days. Keep on...
Well folks, I wasn't going to come here, but thought I'd solicit some quick thoughts on a reply to an email I got from W. The "newer, responsive" me doesn't want this to linger too much.
W's e-mail to me was prompted by scheduling conflicts with my RCIA next week.
Quote: W wrote:
i just want to be sure that thursday night was the only night you could do your inquiry - i purposely left wed night open because that is when you have been going. is that not good. or what about friday or perhaps saturday morning. and i'm just curious, if you had your parents come - which i will be clear they do not need to - do they know that you are converting. just curious. i'm sure it won't be a problem for my father, but you will have to pick D8 up from ballet.
i also just want to say one other thing that has been on my chest - and i don't need to pay someone to know i need to get things off my chest. you constantly say if i'm so unhappy...blah blah blah. i know that is a convenient denial and an easy mantra to continually espouse. but understand this very very clearly - i did not get here on my own. i do not blame you for the unhappines - which by the way you are also unhappy - but clearly you did have a role, as did i. that is an undeniable fact that you cannot ignore with a standard mantra.
My draft replay follows:
I didn't realize that you were keeping Wednesday nights open for me. But , thanks. I picked Thursday night for next week because there's a realistic chance I'll have to be in DC overnight midweek. I'll check with Mr. *** to see what else works on a regular basis, perhaps he can even come to our house if necessary, but I don't know if that's preferred. Btw, I have told my father, but I don't know if he has spoken to anyone else. I'm sure he never told my grandmother. It was definitely a BIG shock to his system--or "blow to the gut" as he described it.
As for our situation, I fully understand that we did not get here based on the acts and feelings of one person alone. I've also heard you tell me that you feel it is wrong and unfair of me to "blame" you for how you feel and I recognize that pointing fingers does little to make you feel better or enhance our ability to move forward in a positive way, whatever path we follow. I know this probably offers you liitle comfort, but I didn't want to ignore your message.
Sounds pretty open to me, Merrick. I like the way you remind her that she is "thinking" of you by keeping a day open. And you didn't respond w/anything negative just enough. Take care. Tootles.............
At least, we've come to a point where we can say what is on our mind without worrying about the consequences? I mean, what else could happen? It can't make things worse, can it?
First paragraph of email reply is great. Second one.... let me take a crack at editing it for you, since I'm not sure how legalistic your wife is and that's what the second paragraph read like to me, you have no need to defend yourself!:
Quote:
I do understand that we did not get here based on your actions and feelings alone, thank you for sharing with me that that bothers you so much. I'm not sure how to share with you that I do take responsibility for our current situation, and that my "mantra" is a defensive reaction, not a denial of my role in our situation.
It is not a hint any longer Merrick, you now have written confirmation of what one of your 180s needs to continue to be. If you have already stopped the "If you're so unhappy...." comments, don't take this as a backslide. My W brought up something that I hadn't done in MONTHS during one of her tirades of getting stuff off her chest.
I sent my reply before I saw your post, but made similar changes. I wrote:
As for our situation, I fully understand that we did not get here based on the acts and feelings of one person alone. I'm also aware of your hurt and frustration in feeling "blamed" for how you feel. I recognize that pointing fingers will do little to make you feel better or enhance our ability to move forward in a positive way, whatever path we follow. And, I'm not sure if this offers you any comfort, but just wanted you to know that I am aware of and accept my role in all of this.
It's also funny in that I have generally stopped the "if you're unhappy" bit, although since she is always pressuring me to move, I've had to try a number of new approaches. I think the real reason for the "mantra" comments is that it truly resonates within her. She has strenuously endeavored to make me actively participate in the breakup of our marriage and is very frustrated that I have placed ownership of a separation of divorce in her lap. That is why she looked to hold me responsible for how we got to this place. However, while I can easily accept my role in that, but this does not necessarily mean I have to actively advance the Sep or D. And this is something she has to accept on her own.
The good news for now is that W is off to visit some old reinds for the next three days. These friends are likely to be comforting, but since I'm friends with their H's, they know a bit more of what's going and some will tell her flat out that she has an obligation to try and make it work. More than anything else, however, it's added space for a few days.
The changed reply sounds awesome. It is funny (not in a ha ha type way though) that our Ws want us to take responsibility for how bad things are, but are unwilling to allow us an responsibility for making things better
They are playing the blame game to justify their actions, why can't they "Blame" us for trying to do things that build the relationship? Maybe that is a tactic - blame them for doing nice things, or maybe "apologize" for your own positive actions. Not sure it will work - but since she wants your active participation in the breakup, maybe active acknowledgement of positive actions? I expect those actions will weigh heavily on her chest, since they are contrary to her goal of ending the M. So maybe this whole thing is a good sign that in her own alien way, she is reevaluating her decision to end the M.
Just got back from a wedding in Brooklyn. It will probably go on until 4 a.m., and while I had a good time, I just couldn't take any more love songs, slow dances, and cleavage!!! W didn't come because she was in Virginia, but she was helpful in that her empty space at the table was a great place to store excess food!
I work with the groom's dad and he was introducing me to some nice girls, but they're all Jewish! I needed that 15 or even just two years ago-not now!
Not much going on. Haven't spoken to W in two days. I went with her parents to and my kids to Pizza Hut last night and all went well. Soccer started again today for D8 and we all went (including W's entire nuclear family) to see my niece in a play. Kids went to ILs for overnight and I'll meet them at Church this morning.
W comes back tomorrow. She told me last week she would make plans to get home from the airport and didn't need any help from me. But FIL says she told him that me and the kids would pick her up. Maybe I should just split and let her figure it out.
