Well Wet, you have your revenge on my thinking questions to you...
Here goes:
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has your W reached out to you during the divorce process?
Post her ending the marriage we had some talks, which I posted the highlights here. Otherwise, aside from kid, finances or divorce? No. Wait, one time she texted me that she was sorry for hurting me.
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is there any part of your story where you think things may have turned out otherwise if something was done differently?
I have pondered that a lot. I made many mistakes. Maybe if I would have stopped pursuing quicker? But I really don't know if it would have made any difference in the outcome. Probably not, because it is her process/journey, imo.
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on 12/11/2013 you wrote that you "always worried about quitting right before the finish and also worried about hanging on too long." I know your W made the final decision to end the m, but looking back would you have ended this any earlier if you had to do it all over again?
No, I had to see it through, see her in a "saner" place so if she did leave, she would be better able to handle things alone. And I had to do it for me, so that I would not look back and wonder "what if".
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I see two major turning points in your description. First, on 2/10/2014, you found your W's note saying "Find true love", and you carpet-bombed her with many "truth darts". Do you know when this note was written?
Sometime that January.
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why do you feel that this note hit you so hard?
Aside from "it hurt"? It pointed out reality, that she wasn't looking "here", but still "out there". And it slammed home our fundamental difference in a world view. I think/believe "true love" is made, created, worked-on, arrived at over time. She believes it's "out there" and "shouldn't" be much work (her words). This crumbled my illusion that with enough love, work and patience, anything can be overcome...at least with her. That theory requires BOTH people to believe that, and she doesn't, right now.
So the reality of things, as they were, shifted my perspective and that maybe it was time to live my truth.
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what do you think was the ultimate impact on your R of your confronting your W after finding the note?
She did say that she respected me more, standing for myself and the boys. But I think (mindreading here from bits and pieces she has dropped) it also was a mirror showing her what she was really doing, which I think triggered the "run" response. She felt judged.
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The 2nd turning point was when your W decided on the 2 month separation. Why do you think she asked for this?
Per her, to get a break from the sitch, the kids and responsibility so she could think without interference/influence. Knowing her, it was also a trial run, to see what it would be like, if she could do it.
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Did you see any other women during 2014?
After she ended the marriage in June, yes. I dropped my shields after processing the anger/hurt. (Finally get to drop in a Star Trek reference...) I was open to wherever life was going to go. I was done.
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What strikes me about your sitch is how many times you mentioned progress, her coming out of the tunnel, her opening up to you, initiating convos, sharing her feelings, texting "sending you a hug", and you saw your W trying. I know your W ended this, but do you think more time could possibly have resulted in a different result?
Well, I did discover during the last 3 years or so that I am an insufferable optimist deep down... Truth is, I wanted to see those things as turning, was it real? Only she knows.
I feared failure, I don't typically fail at things I put my mind, heart, soul into... and I put those into this stand. So was it more loving to continue to stand, partially driven by fear of failure, and put the family through more limbo, tension and unhealthiness? Or more loving to hear her and let her go?
The other thing is that, over the summer 2013 through to that truth dart barrage, I had been discovering my own worth. Lots of people in all different situations, here in DB-land, work, grocery store, business conferences, etc, reacted/responded to me in ways that were mirrors I didn't look into before. Showing me a "me", that neither I nor stbxw saw. The coming together of all this work we do here on ourselves.
And I started wanting better, with, or without, her.
And the "more time"? I just don't know. I was getting to "done" since summer 2013, slowly but surely.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
