OK.. went to IC.. got my finger pricked for blood testing...got a flu shot...lots of "painful" things today. My big takeaway from IC is that I'm spending too much time, perhaps, ruminating about why this is and how H could do such a thing and wondering if I could have done anything else, which is preventing me from moving on to the next steps - true acceptance of reality, grieving, and moving forward. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like there's a whole lot of specific things I can do besides let time take its course (I want a checklist! or a manual! grr!).
My IC did give me some handouts on radical acceptance to review. It was kind of funny, when I said I wanted instructions he said "well I can give you some handouts.. they are more directed at people who are severely emotionally disturbed.. so I don't want you to think that is you.." lovely! There are some key phrases/quotes to repeat to myself, including: -I can only influence this moment -The past has only the power I give it -I won't let my life be shaped by someone else's actions -This doesn't change or mean anything about me. I'm a big fan of repeating meaningful mantras like these^^ if they are authentic and helpful to YOU and your situation. I also "turned things over to God" and asked Him to help me heal. Thinking it, saying it out loud and hearing yourself having said it, ALL seem to blend in and to sink in.
If I can, I'd like to make a small suggestion about a few of your "mantras". Instead of "non negatives", e.g. "I won't let my life be shaped by others"<
you could state an affirmative, eg. "i am in charge of my life, and choices and only I will determine my 'mood',", so that you are empowering yourself to make choices, rather than only setting boundaries on others. Regardless of agreement, do you understand my point?
It also talks about how acceptance is NOT: -agreeing with someone else's behavior -that the pain I've experienced isn't real -that I need to forget about the painthat was caused me I did mention that I felt like I never really laid out to H how exactly all of this affected me and made me feel, since I've been trying so hard to DB which generally means friendly and polite. Though i understand the appeal of this^^, and though I can IMAGINE us thinking
"FINALLY, the WAS will sit and listen and HEAR about my pain. They will really 'get it' , and then.... even if they don't want to reconcile, at least me & MY PAIN and suffering will be recognized and.....and....and" and what?
What is the GOAL of this theoretically appealing, sit down "explanation of your pain"? And what is the real hope/expectation?
In my opinion, you'll be disappointed or worse. Rather than "getting you, finally", it'll be viewed badly, as yet more whining and more 'victimhood for the LBS' designed to guilt the WAS', etc. And more relief on his end, that he escaped...
And in a way, isn't it ^^ all of those things? Telling our story to a WAS is not what we tell ourselves, It's not a reckoning of the remorseful.
In HIS mind, you already know the reasons he is leaving OR you "should know", and he certainly believes he knows enough about your pain and suffering. If words could affect him or make him do right by you, it would have been done by now, wouldn't it? You sure sound articulate here.
I believe there's no way you can change his perception merely with more words. (That's hard to accept, I know. I'm a L and see myself as quite the wordsmith).
For too long, I was convinced if I only grouped the right words together, and in the correct order, I could MAKE my h understand! Then he'd know how wrong he was and how "more right" I was, than him.....but he could not hear me.
He suggested that maybe it's time for me to write an email or letter to H with how I feel, of course focusing on "I" statements and whatnot. I'm guessing that would not be recommended here, though.
Oh, come on, you are Not really "guessing". You KNOW it's not recommended here.
AND, do you know why? It might help to write it all out and think it, see it, say it (hear it) and KNOW it and maybe, sometime soon, accept it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
