I just re-read my post and realized it sounded harsh and discombobulated. I responded when I was rushed. I shouldn't have done that.
I was responding to your statement, "Starsky made a comment the other day that my wife was repaying my kindness by pursuing OM2."
You said you disagreed. And I was agreeing with you.
Sometimes I get frustrated with the lack of empathy expressed toward spouses on this forum. They forget they are only hearing one side of the story.
I agree with everyone that your wife has engaged in terrible behavior. But I honestly believe your wife wants to stay in this marriage.
Each marriage is unique. And how people interact inside the marriage is unique. This is where I break with the pack.
I've said it before and I will say it again: Some people on this forum have used divorce busting techniques as a weapon and not a tool or resource. Divorce busting techniques are very useful when used correctly.
But they have to be used correctly.
For example, if your wife spent the last 7 years begging for communication and you "detach"...you might as well file the divorce papers. Detaching is the worst thing you could do.
But, on the other hand, if you spent the last 7 years smothering your wife and she is begging for "space"...then detaching is probably the best thing you can do.
The point is...you are the only person who knows who you and your wife were in the marriage when it was good and when it went wrong. You are the only person who truly knows what your wife has been REALLY been asking for.
If you can get honest--really honest--you know what your wife's complaints in this marriage are.
This is different than what you want her complaints to be. You have spent a lot of time wanting your wife to have issues you are willing to repair.
But you keep ignoring the following: Your wife has issues that you are not repairing. For example, the financial situation.
If you had a genuine walk-away-spouse she wouldn't be dealing with you as a spouse. She would be dealing with you as just another person in her life. You would have zero significance.
This is where the disconnect is on this forum.
Many people on this forum believe the majority of spouses are walk-away-spouses because they moved out or got fed up with the marriage.
Walk-away spouses are called that for a reason. They leave and don't miss you. They are happy to be gone. You don't matter.
Many spouses leave even though they want to be married. They couldn't be further from the definition of a walk-away-spouse.
People get fed up because they feel unloved. So if you are dealing with a spouse who is "fed up" because they felt unloved.. "detaching" is a terrible idea. It will only frustrate them and make them feel more unloved.
Then there are the spouses who don't feel they are heard. So they move out because they want to be "missed." They want their spouse to "come after" them. If the spouse waits to respond to their text messages or phone calls...they just proved the spouse isn't heard.
Then there is the spouse who is frightened and insecure. They believe their spouse may be unfaithful. So when "get a life" principals are used this looks a lot like "cheating" and a divorce is filed.
People can repeatedly quote a book but a book is still just a book. And books are written for the masses.
People are individuals. Only a fool unflinchingly follows the exact principals in a self-help book as if it is a road map to life. You have to build in the variables because people, like roads, have bumps in them.
A self-help book is a resource and is designed to be used in conjunction with counseling. Not instead of counseling.
I saw you making real progress and then I saw it literally collapse overnight because well intentioned people thought they were being helpful by feeding into your hurt. They placed negative assumptions onto your wife and encouraged you to do the same.
They gave your wife no benefit of the doubt and discussed why you shouldn't either.
I have never strayed from my goal of wanting you and your wife in counseling. I strongly believe long-term counseling with the divorce-busting books will give you and your wife a very good chance of success.
But you are not going to reconcile with your wife unless you realize that the majority of people on this forum have a bias. And when they post...they post with this bias.
Which means when you are feeling hurt, angry or misunderstood...many people on this forum will not listen with an objective ear. And because you are on a web-based forum there is no opportunity to observe body language or hear inflection.
Which is why you need to start building a network of people who want your marriage to succeed. And you need to interact with these people on a regular basis. You need to give these people a copy of the divorce-busting books and make them a partner in the successful rebuilding of of your marriage.
Again, this forum is a great resource, but many of the people on this forum have an agenda. It's not a bad thing but you need to be aware of this when advice is being given.
