I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

General update-
I've had a nice break this week. Feeling less angry, more grounded, but still some sad moments. Great to reconnect with old friend, had an awesome massage, and the conference has been outstanding!

Tonight I started reading back through all my journaling since BD. It's very interesting- I can see H's cycling patterns, my cycling patterns, and many of the triggers other than our M that sometimes push H back into the tunnel. I could also see how the issues gradually moved from me and M being the problem to him realizing that most of this is his stuff. Nice to see forward motion by reviewing all if this.
My journaling has been much less the last two months b/c I have significantly backed off. I'm letting him take his journey and figure out his chit. It's hard not knowing what's going through his head, but I think before I was enabling him to not face his fears by still keeping things essentially the same for him.
I think his awakening happened when he became suicidal in January. Best I can tell he is now in withdrawal and maybe " peeking" out of the tunnel. He is reconnecting with the kids. Not as much with family ( trying but he thinks they hate him).

In any case- I am not stage obsessed or trying to predict- I more wanted to look at " the year in review" and see where progress has occurred in both of us. I'm actively working on " inner child" healing and this was a nice way also to see how I respond to things and how that's changed over time.

Keep trying to tell myself the journey is the reward........