Yeah, Bright, kml, Heather.... Cuckoo McSpew sure is one for the books. An honor I never imagined being a part of....
I caught myself today, feeling small again. The mental pep-talks, exercises and walks didn't work as well. I managed to come out of it for the most part. Not complete confidence, though.
Maybe I have a lot going on or something. Not so strong today.
For starters?
I heard from S18 last night, and he is calling me again Sunday to coordinate travel for Christmas. I miss him like crazy.
I picked up other S18 from the airport late last night. He moves out of state in 3 weeks. I'm bumming about that, too.
I talked to xh last night, too. Always a treat. Wow.
^^^^^^ right there is enough to make me want to drink mercury. ^^^^^^^
So, let's see what else we can add, you know...for fun.
Ah, yes.....today, I got a few flirty texts from H. Yeah. Apparently, I did look ok the other night. Seems he's wanting to see me soon, but not until next week........on a weekday. So, which evening might I have available?
Oh, gosh.... Let me see..... A whole WEEKNIGHT? Wow. I must be special.
CAUTION: RANT AHEAD.
Ok, yep. I wanted that. I got exactly what I wanted. I wanted H to notice me. Did I expect him to suddenly snap out of MLC as if things were all better? Not at all. I know how this works.
I'm just feeling really sad about all the changes. So many. So fast. And the changes keep coming, and coming.
It's too much some days. This will wash over. I'm in it at the moment. Breathe.
I'm angry. I'm crying angry. I'm pi$$ed. I hate this. I don't want him. Not this crazy guy.
I miss my sweet H so much. And he's gone. That M is gone.
Fn selfish ridiculous man-child A$$hat.
I feel like this communication is torture. I'm the one allowing it to reel me in. I know perfectly well. Because I don't want to move on. At the same time, I definitely don't want him right now. I don't want anyone. Or anything.
It's my own fault. I know it is. I don't do enough for me. I just don't want to. And I'm tired.
What the he!! am I even doing? I am trying to outlast this. That's what I'm doing. Because I believe I can. I know I can.
Do I WANT to?
I'm not answering that. Nope. Not today.
I needed to get that out.
Oh, and MIL sent me an email checking in on the kids and me.... Feeling bad about everything, and hoping we are well.
