Merrick, Later today, I will also read your entries and get back to you, OK?
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
A quick lunch update to my fellow DBers, I had a good chat with Laurie today. Apart from stating the obvious that my W has a lot of anger, we decided I should stay for the time being since my "detached" DBing is really still in its infancy. I have the clear sense from Laurie that separation is really a last resort and one has to feel comfortable that you've tried everything with no--or even worsening results.
We decided that over the next two-three weeks, I'll try a little bit of experimenting on various interactions with W and really try to monitor and track our sitch carefully on a daily basis. Such experiments could include remaining put when W starts R talks and seems to be getting argumentative. BUT, I have to be careful to know when to get out if MY emotions are getting the best of me. One thing Laurie said that was very helpful is that W is likely to continue reacting negatively to everything I do right now--so I should not let that discourage me. Instead I should be mindful of the degree of negativity and any other signs that could show movement in either direction. In a nutshell, I guess I'll be testing the level of detaching I believe I have reached and hopefully will approach my sitch with a more clinical attitude.
I remarked on my spiritual journey and conveyed to Laurie that in a strange way, I feel like I love my W in a way I never did before (even more)--much of it resulting from God and the entirely new outlook I am embracing in terms of how I view and treat other people in my life. Laurie saw nothing wrong with that and remarked how this approach has helped so many people.
Wanted to stop in and post, I've been lurking but not posting lately. Seems like she has lost her mind. I really like the taping idea just for the sake of having her listen to what she is actually saying. I know a lot of people have found this helpful for themselves when they actually hear how they behave. Video taping I think hits home harder. That of course is all in the context of her being somewhat receptive to listening or watching, like in front of people she feels accountable to like inlaws, priest, counselor, or kids and family.
As for the legality of it, very little experience in that area. Aren't you a lawyer? Could you ask one of your work associates or someone that specializes in that area?
Couple of thoughts for you and I'm sure Laurie will have more and much better thoughts. From reading your thread it seems you have been very accomadating and understanding, almost always even in the worst of her tirades. Have you always been this way? Is this a 180 for you from your behavior prior to the S? I guess my point is the two of you seem to be in a vicious circle and how do you break it?
I recall you stating that you almost always gave in to the wishes of your W. What would happen if you took a firm stand for yourself? What would happen if you firmly stated you will no longer be treated this way and you and your kids deserve better than this? Point out all the things you have been doing and her unappreciative tantrums. Not angrily but firmly. You may have already done this?
((((((((Merrick)))))))))))))) Been trying to keep up w/your posts but whew! lots going on over here.
Just one thing I wanted to say and that I have found getting closer to God has helped me also. Up until recently I have felt like I was asking and thanking so much that I "really" didn't give Him the chance to take it all from me. Well, I think I've finally done that. Not sure how it really happens but on a talk show once, they said that you must "believe from the bottom of your stomach", feel it, live it. I think I've finally gotten to that point. Basically saying, Lord-thank you for being by my side during this time and giving me the strength to continue, now I'm gonna step aside and stop interfering w/Your work and leave it in your hands. Please help me w/my words and courage to do as You want me to do.
Anyway, not to get too religious but I feel like the "spirit" has entered and whatever I do from here on out is truly the will of God and not me intervening when I want to. Not sure anyone can understand this but it just feels right. Hope this may shed some light and peace for you Merrick. I'll pray for your peace. Tootles...........
Don't know if there's anything advice I can give you... your sitch sounds as antagonistic as mine was two years ago.
All I can say is that I'm impressed with how well you're doing. I was ready to knock my ex's teeth out by the time our D was final because of his negativity and attitude... I couldn't reach that level of zen-like detachment!
I would have done hit the girl myself. Of course I can do that I'm a girl. Your doing so good. You have no idea how good.There are not that many men who would put up with what your putting up with.
I have a temper.So how do you control yours. I have always admired people who can remain calm in the fire. I have never remained calm a day in my life.
Your wife is very lucky. Even if she is to dense to know it right now.
Have a peaceful night my friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Merrick, Your right you have grown and taken this DB charm to a new level. In some respects I really admire you for still being in the game. Your a light house for all the people who are just starting there journey. To see you and your devotion to your family is a sight to be proud of. No matter how you look at it your shinning bright for all to see. A beacon to show how far you have travekled and your right grown in yourself as a person. I know because I to feel win or loose my M as it would appear, I won in that I have as you have, become a really good person, so in touch with myself and others, I will never be the same. KOFTGF.
Merrick one thing that has been bothering me though. I think you should seek some counseling on this and I know its not easy for you, I really dont want to bring it up again, but Im scared for you. About a week ago over on Christines thread you showed alot of aggression to.. well the... THONG... I think your trauma hit by your wife in hers and I advise some sort of treatment. I just dont want you to have like post traumatic thong syndrom or something. This sort of behavior... well puzzles me. Its just not healthy man! Forget about your W, think about betsy or Christine in one. I only say this because Im worried about you Merrick. There I feel better now, I wont bring up the thong again.
Hope I made you smile if only for a second Merrick. My answer is the pain you are feeling is to take care of you, Do anything that makes you smile or forget even only for a moment. If that means you go to every darn hockey game in NY, then do it. Have some fun and relax for a while Merrick, you deserve it. God BLess, Eddy
Wow, Eddy... I can't speak for Christine. But I'm flattered. Do you think Merrick thinks it's a fantasy to dream about the American version of the hunchback of Notre Dame with boobs?
Fortunately, that's not what I look like, but I'm glad you have confidence that I'm worth thinking about with Christine.
Be good, guys. Thinking of you both.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My man. You made me laugh. I was actually wondering about thongs today. W threw out three old ones in trash and I saw she had three new ones with an even smaller waistband. This left me wondering, what's going on? Why does my W continue to undress in front of me? Is she so comfortable with herself it doesn't matter? Is she taunting me just for the sake of it? Or is she having great sex elsewhere and is REALLY flaunting it in my face. Is this typical WAW behavior? I swear my W looks better to me today than the day we were married. Ah, the way things are going, I may start thinking of you in a thong!
The PMA is real high tonight. About three weeks ago I set out to find a first cousin whom I have not seen or talked to in more than 25 years--although he was a childhood favorite. Not only did I track him down--he was visiting NYC with his family this week. I joined he, his wife, and two boys (6 & 8) to dinner at the Carnegie Deli and returned to his hotel to talk for about three more hours. Man, it was like we get together every week. Just great. And his 8-year old has the exact same face and eyes of my grandfather--who died 30 years ago. Just an awesome night. Indeed, my sked is such that W and I will not really see each other for another week. And she is visiting some pro-family girlfriends out-of-town this weekend. I can't imagine that she would sound anything other than very alien to them--especially since all their H's know about OM and my side of the story (I spilled my guts after a few drinks at Christmas).
Eddy, I'm taking your word and have another hockey game tomorrow night. Be good my friend and I hope all is well at your end. You remain in my daily prayers.
I only say this because Im worried about you Merrick. There I feel better now, I wont bring up the thong again. 
