Shakespr - You have given me a lot to chew on. I've had similar thoughts percolating in the back of my brain - but you summarized and brought them into focus nicely, thank you. I certainly noticed the positive tone this last week - but I wasn't sure if I should attribute it to the fact we've been finalizing all the divorce stuff and he's trying to play nice.
So - yes - I will experiment with showing more vulnerability and see if it yields any results.
I am of two minds about the vulnerability thing.
On the one hand, my STBX has always seemed to have self esteem issues about being a "man". He's got some sort of hang up with his Dad and I'm sure this is one of the things that led to him pursuing a career in Law Enforcement fairly late in life. Honestly, he always seemed invigorated when he got into a tussle with a suspect at work. Also, (we're all anonymous internet friends here, right?) he had a majorly low testosterone problem that was not detected until he had his physical to beecome a cop 6 years ago. Since that time hes been on testosterone supplements- and in all honesty, his need to be "manly" really seemed to increase since that time. I suppose that my independence may have chipped awqay at his masculinity?
On the other hand...when he first met and fell in love with me, we worked together and I had a job that was two or three levels above him and handily managed a 150 person department. There was nothing vulnerable about me. I was a highly capable overachiever. It always seemed to be one of the things that he admired about me. His mom is a supervising ER nurse who has run marathons in 50 states and is also very independent - so he seemed comfortable with strong women. Since that time, I've cooled my jets on the career so that I could spend more time at home and be less stressed out with the kids, and I swear it seems like he has lost some admiration for me. In fact, some of the other advice on these boards is to remind him of who I was when he fell in love with me - which was decidedly not vulnerable.
Last January, my youngest daughter (2 at the time) got pneumonia and I took her to the ER while STBX stayed home with our other daughter. Once we got to the hosital her condition deteriorated rapidly (I didn't know it was possible to have a fever that high), and I called him and told him that I needed him there with me and to take D6 to my parents. By the time he got there, I was about as messy of a vulnerable blob as you can imagine. My daughter was hooked up to IVs and oxygen and I genuinely thought she might die. I was bawling and I needed him......and all he did was give me a pat on the back and awkwardly say - "She'll be ok". I know that probably isn't fair - he was probably dealing with his own fear - but at my most vulnerable moment - he didn't exactly rise to the occasion.
By the way - I should say - I'm not an unemotional robot. I'm actually very sentimental and I cry about all kinds of things (Watching "Its A Wonderful Life" at Christmas reduces me to an absolute puddle). When my dogs died this spring, the tears streamed freely. A well written commercial will get me every time. But in an emergency or stressful situation - I have ice in my veins. Some of the other posters here talk about falling apart and I swear, sometimes I'm a little envious, in many ways that seems like a healthier and more natural reaction.
