Really too late....

[lost18]

Still trucking along in this weird situation I'm in. I know that many on these boards would love the opportunity to have the interactions I have with my H. Funny how we (in general) don't appreciate what we have.

Was feeling very frustrated this week, wondering how long I will be able to continue with things the way they are. I really enjoy having H here. We've been getting along well (minus the few issues I've talked about previously), it's nice having somebody to share responsibilities with, to talk to and laugh with. It's great for the kids to have their dad home. At the same time, although I know I'm being very impatient, I really miss the affection and intimacy. I'm constantly questioning if he will make any changes for himself that are needed for us to have a good marriage.

H has always been a very sexual person, me not so much, this has obviously been a big issue in our M in the past. One of my goals is for H to just touch me, something small like his hand on my back, but he still avoids physical contact. Very negative thinking on my part but I can't imagine that an internet affair (if he is still involved, which is possible but probably not to the extent he was before) can replace the real thing. I'm struggling with this because I know it was a big issue in our M, but can't do anything to let him know I still find him attractive without pursuing him to some extent, which will not work in my favor at this point. He has not said he wants to stay married but also has made no move toward D.

My IC told me I was thinking irrationally, which actually made me happy! There are many things going on with him...he is in pain with his back, transitioning back home, unsure about his future particularly in regards to his job...rationally I do know this...MUST BE PATIENT! TIME IS MY FRIEND!