I've had a couple people lately ask me if I even still love her, or if I can still find her attractive through this. I don't know the answer to that. How can I ever truly feel safe and loved with her in the future? Do I still love her? If I don't, why do I feel so much pain?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Well, put boys to bed last night and read in my room for awhile, came down and W had left. She came home sometime during the night.
Sticking out of her purse this morning was a scrap of paper with PP and a phone number written next to it. Googled the number. Planned parenthood. I feel like I'm in a cheesy movie script right now.
I'd rearranged my work schedule today to take S6 to the dentist, but there was an obnoxious snafu with insurance paperwork so I had to reschedule. S was not excited about having to go to school after all so I took him to a spot to get a cookie before dropping him off. Don't get a lot of one on one time with him so that was nice. W texted asking if I could switch my schedule since the appt was canceled (I'm now working late tonight) because she "wants to study" tonight. I told her that I couldn't switch it back now but she was free to go out tomorrow night. In these situations I build in this expectation that she will be upset at not getting her way, but she just responded "okay".
Just feels like tiptoeing through a minefield these days. I have some hours free so I'm off to the gym and grocery store. I wish I could make a pitstop at the house of some other W who gave a damn about me.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I read an interesting suggestion here awhile ago that a good way to DB with kids is to create new family traditions. with thanksgiving coming up, im wondering about that. every year we go to Ws father/stepmoms about an hour away. they live on a farm and do thanksgiving up very right. i always look forward to it, but in a way, it has kept us from having any tradition of our own, besides getting in the car and schlepping out there.
now, Ws dad/stepmom have been totally awol through all of this. soon after BD, i called her dad and told him how alarmed i was by her behavior and her drinking. i felt very conflicted about making this call, and honestly i regret doing it now. i was in a very desperate place (before i had discovered these books/forums), and i was very afraid of the destructive path she was on. her dad thanked me for calling, sounded very concerned and said his heart went out to me, but said he doubted there was much he could do for her. he sounded completely removed from the whole thing. "she hasnt ever listened to me and she isnt going to listen to me now". since then, ive heard nothing from them. despite being an hour away, they are never here, never pitch in with our kids in any way, which is more or less normal. W has a strained relationship with him and seems fine with keeping our families interactions to just holidays.
so im wondering, do i just act as if, go to thanksgiving and have a grand old time with her folks? exhibit max PMA and hang with my kids? show W the nuclear family she is leaving behind?
or do I simply say id rather not do thanksgiving with her folks this year and start my new tradition without her?
One of the only concerns she has expressed to me lately is that I not make separate plans for christmas, like taking the kids elsewhere. she is obviously wanting to hang on to so many things status quo ante-BD. but isnt this cake eating? its not like everything in our lives is going to stay the same except the guy shes sleeping with.
Last edited by 1foot2; 11/05/1405:05 PM.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Just to update my journal: Coming around to getting a better grip on financial boundaries with W. Our money sitch is very bad. Our rent has gone up twice since moving in (we were originally getting a decent deal on a large place) and it has made things basically impossible to balance, especially now with W contributing very little. My parents have been giving me money each month to fill the gap, but they are running out of patience as they see they are enabling W to have no responsibilities. This month, some extra bills came due that I had not factored into the budget. Yesterday I told W that I needed her to help come up with the extra. She replied that she had $100 in her account and that she would have to ask her mom. Then she left. I realized afterwards that I felt guilt/shame, as if I was the one asking HER mom for money. But this is wrong. She needs to contribute, and if she can't, it's on her to ask her mom. I feel at fault here for not holding her accountable sooner, but my thinking was that I would just handle the bills so that she could save up to move out. That's obviously not happening.
I tried to initiate a conversation with her last night but she was trying to leave while I was putting kids to bed. I told her that I am counting every penny trying to pay for everything and I needed her to pitch in. I told her she needed to pay her parking tickets. She kinda blew off the tickets, but I held firm. She said she would pay them with her next check. I told her that I wanted to have a longer conversation about this soon. She left.
She's clearly in ful flight mode. And if she's pregnant I can't even imagine the chaos in her head right now. But she chooses to go be with OM so I am keeping my distance. It could just be today (two days ago I felt very sad) but I feel myself moving beyond, imagining a life without this chaos, and it feels nice.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Landlord emailed and we got things sorted out. He told me W told him about our sitch. That's a bit of a surprise but I'm not taking it too rough. It's a bit out of character for W to tell someone, but I sense it was more to remove herself from the obligation of dealing with him.
No interactions with W at all really. Went out with some friends after work last night. Got up early with kids today and made cinnamon rolls. My mom called to tell me their dog died (17 years of life!) so to cheer her up I facetimed her and let her talk with the baby and watch him run around the house. W woke up as I was getting ready to leave for work and told me she hadn't meant to sleep in, that she wanted to let me sleep in. Thanks for the gesture I guess.
Came home from work and W was dolled up to go to a party. Looking great but also like she's in a costume. I glanced at her and I swear I saw her running her hands over her belly. Looked like the slightest bump there. Could be imagining that but....yeah.
Tomorrows a full day with the kids. Winter coat shopping and the arcade. Really looking forward to it!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Just got home from a great day with my kids. Took care of my baby all morning, picked older kids up from early release. Called some old family friends up to see if they wanted to enjoy one of the last nice afternoons of the season, and they reminded me that they just moved to another town about an hour away, but that we were welcome to come see their new place. It's a couple with two boys my oldest's ages. I figured what the heck and we hauled out there. Their new place is a total palace with a huge backyard and windows and a woodstove, and we made dinner while the kids ran around. Sweet day, they are really positive people who know a slight bit about my sitch, as the woman is friends w W. She said she didn't know much and felt for me, and said she was once a WAW and knows how weird it was. I feel like she knows more but didn't want to indicate that out of sympathy with me but I moped not a bit, just had a good chat with her about how this has made me take new stock of life. We had a great time. I texted W to let her know where we were and that we would be home later, and she responded "Oh wow jealous but happy u guys r there!"
Didn't want to twist the knife too much there, but that's a dose of life going on without her. Back home now and she is on the couch feeling sick so I will put the kids to bed and go out and GAL it up. Feeling good.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Not much to report but wanted to update. Busy week.
A friend offered me a ticket to a basketball game Tuesday night so I went with him and ended up having a blast. First NBA game since I was a kid. This was a sortof 180, as I typically turn down just about any offers to do things like this, as Ive always had guilt about taking more nights out of the house (I work 1 night a week, and usually DJ once or twice a week). I guessing turning down these kinds of social things is a sortof covert contract im trying to break. I always think of how my W will react when I say im taking a night out, and decide not to do it. She has no idea I've passed on a chance to do something and I end up feeling some resentment. So I went. And it was great!
We got a letter from the city yesterday informing us the registration on our car has been suspended for the unpaid parking ticket(s). W pitched a little fit when I showed it to her - not at me, but "at the city", as if it was unfair somehow for them to suspend over a 2.5 month old ticket. I said nothing. Dont really know what to say in this situation that wouldnt come out super snippy or mean. She said she would pay after this weekend when she gets paid. She also owes me half of some bills I paid last week, I will probably have to remind her of this, and Im hoping she doesnt just flake.
I need to gather some strength and schedule a meeting with her to discuss money issues. I have seen her probably 45 minutes total in the last two weeks, and it feels unfair to just spring it on her in passing. I dont have enough faith in myself to feel like I can handle this conversation without caving, or getting drawn into an argument/fight.
She was heavily made up and dressed up to leave when I got home last night, clearly headed on a date. This still just leaves me a total wreck, took me about an hour to recover, which I did by spending an extra long time putting my boys to bed.
Still on an emotional yo-yo. Sometimes I just feel anger and annoyance with her, and thinking of a life without her feels freeing and positive. Then I miss her terribly. Then I see her dressed up and think of her going on a date, going to a movie we would see, and I just feel pain and confusion. Then I think of how she is "gaming" this whole situation and I feel taken advantage of. I need space and a break from this, but the only way to do that is to file.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
As much as I feel like I make progress in this process, I just don't know. Brief convo with W just now before she left for the afternoon. She asked what I was planning to do for thanksgiving. I asked if her parents were having dinner and she said yes. I asked if I was invited and she said of course. I told her I guess I would go. I want to go of course, but it all just feels weird and wrong. I just felt stuck, standing there looking at her. She asked what was wrong and I waited a while and then just told her I was in pain. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry. I told her I didn't need her to say she was sorry.
It was a stupid interaction that got me nowhere. Just feel like crap. I fall apart when I'm standing in front of her. Feels like there is nothing to say, nothing works, nothing makes sense. She's caused all the confusion, and I just stand there trying to say words that convey something about how I feel, which is just pointless.
Just feels like I can't do this anymore. That the only way through this is to shut off these weak thoughts and file to get her moving out. It's immensely frustrating that she has no plan to get independent of me, but will still stay here and hurt me day after day.
It didn't help that I saw a friend of ours posted a pic on fb of a board game at a bar, with her, her bf, my W and OM all tagged in it. I feel like total trash.
Baby is up from nap, gonna go hug on him and try to forget.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
It looks immensely painful. I feel you. We all do. Everyone here hurt or has hurt from the same pain. We also stand in front of our WAS, helpless and wondering what we can do to reach them. Eager to do something that will stop this train wreck of our lives. I know exactly how you feel. I'm usually good at keeping silent, but today I've been feeling the stupid urge to text her "I miss you". She's head over heels in love with an OM, so imagine how useless that would be. But my brain is looking for an excuse like a heat-seeking missile.
So far, the only solution we have found is DBing. This means putting on a good face, finding other stuff to do to get our minds off of the separation, etc. It doesn't look like you're applying much of it. Am I right? If so, go back to basics. Limited contact, detach, GAL. Can't recall if you read the book already. It's not easy, it means denying a lot of our feelings, it means applying self-control beyond that of a presidential candidate in a scrum, but it's also the most important fight of our lives, for many of us. We'll be happy we've done it.
PS: You found devotee? She's also a DJ.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
but happy u guys r there!"