I don't regret saying it, I regret how I said it and let's be honest, I was reactive. I wanted to set him straight.
Ok, so, in your quest with trying to be less reactive, what would you have done differently?
Originally Posted By: Ss06
And his audacity to think I'll cook him Thanksgiving dinner every year. Ugh, I could have tossed my like warm tea at him.
Did he say that you would cook Thanksgivine every year? Just curious.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I mean, I'm supposed to wait to decorate the Christmas tree so that he can be part of it. Am I supposed to do that once we're divorced? I think he thinks that's our "arrangement". Is he living in denial or am I being a b!tch?
You dont have to wait to decorate. You dont have to spend Thanksgiving with him. But you should make these decisions from a place of strength and take your daughter into consideration. I am not at all saying that you have to do things the way he wants. Not at all. I am saying that you reacted out of anger and that doesnt serve you well because that isnt who you want to be any longer.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I do not want to be his bestie. I want to make that clear. He seems to be under the strange illusion that he can walk away but have all the perks of marriage (except sex of course, at least with me). The only thing different about our life now than pre-bd is that he sleeps somewhere else and is more accountable to D.
So, you are feeling taken advantage of. What can you do to stop feeling that way? You have power here, S. You get to choose how you want to live your life.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
Part of me wants him to be uncomfortable, to not like being away from this family as a whole. Then another part of me says it's not my job to teach him lessons. Then I think that I'm done bending over backwards for him and doing what he wants even though it makes me uncomfortable or not at all what I want.
yea, none of those things are good for you. I think you need to figure out what you want for you and make decisions from there. A friend of mine wrote this about boundaries. Maybe they will help.
Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.
List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny , then find out why they do, because they might not be a boundary that you need to relay....
Make sure, 100%, that your boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" in any way...
Watch how you deliver them. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling.
Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.
"Always" and "Never" are words that can make us hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.
Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.
Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. Meaning is it worth it to even state them.
Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like they have theirs.
Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let them live with them. They will cause them to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.
Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.
Be the person that you want to be, regardless of what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
