Live-In WAW--Piecing???

[merrick]

Hey Brig and Bets. Brig, I think I'm really beginning to understand about love, but it brings new challenges. As you'll see today, My W remains angry and my detachment skills are getting better every day, but even as I detach from the day-to-day, I somehow feel my love for W is growing stronger. And as result, I feel a new type of sadness. It's not the weepy "Woe is me kind," but a sadness of "loss" over the entire sitch and what it is doing to people, including my W. I mean, what's happening is just plain sad--period.

Anyway, some journaling on another day in paradise. W gives me more BB material every day, but as bad as it seems, I'll take some positives out of it (hit me if I'm delusional).

In general, the day was mapped out. S9 belongs to the NY Islanders Kids Club, and the team (hockey) had an open practice today for members followed by an autograph session with their star player, Alexei Yashin. I took him (Note: While I was with S9, much to his chagrin, I talked a lot about God, love, forgiveness, and really trying to be kind--I tried to convey a sense of love in the house without touching upon our M sitch). D5 had a birthday party.

W asked this morning what I wanted for dinner, and we decided to go defrost steaks for the grill. Then we needed to decide whether to go to Church tonight or tomorrow. We have a Memorial mass tomorrow night, and I asked W if that qualfies. She then answers very sarcastically, "You're the big Christian; you tell me." I said I know very little about mass, but she said, "Yeah. Right. You know all the rules about the Church." We decided that since tomorrow night would not count, we should go tonight at 5:30.

Ah, but now, W was engaged. She asked me if saw our priest and when. I said I spoke to him several weeks ago about what I should do. She wanted to know exactly what I told him because she met with him (about annulment?) and she claims he didn't want to hear any of her story and was rude to her. She also asked if I spoke to the Deacon, head sister, and Monsignor--so that she could get to them first and tell them her side of the story before I slanted their minds the way I did with her family. I really didn't have a chance to validate, because then she went into her family.

WARNING: NEVER TELL IN-LAW's ANYTHING BECAUSE IT WILL COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ARSE.

She then said that I had some nerve thinking she needed some help (part of convo with MIL). The only reason she feared cancer over two years was that a school friend had cancer and died (true) and she had experienced real tragedy. AND, she realized that if she dies, she was terrified that the kids would be stuck with me raising them--since I had no R with them other than giving them a bottle and being a caretaker.

I just nodded and looked as sincere as I could. Our son came in and that ended. When S9 left, W scolded me that I should think about what I'm doing to the kids by continuing the M. She said I needed to put my interests behind those of the kids. I just said softly , "I know."

Church was fine, but since it was raining, we decided to go out instead of grill. W started to look for a fight in the car on everyday things, and I just would not bite. S9 then says, "Look if you're going to continue this and get into a fight, let's not go out to eat." I said, "No one is fighting; were trying to figure out how to do some things this week and that's okay, so let's enjoy dinner."

At dinner, W made for more material. She ordered a Kendall Jackson Chardonay, but when it came, she said it didn't taste like it. She told the waitress, who said the bartender insisted it was KJ. W got annoyed and said to leave a small tip. I then got up and approached the waitress away from the table and pleasantly requested a another glass. When one was brought, W lieterally growled at me --"Why did you do that; I could have done that myself. I don't need you. I needed you to take control all these years. You're an a$$hole." S9, D8, D5 were simultaneosly stunned with the insult, and W grudgingly apologized--more to the kids than me. I let it bounce right off me and stayed upbeat. Then, when our dinner came, W did not have silverwear, so I offered her mine. Again, she snarled lie a devil, "Don't help me with anything. You should have been doing this for years." I acted very calm and said, "Everything's okay." and quicky chnaged the subject." W didn't speak much the rest of dinner, but I had a very animated discussion with S9 and D8 on all sorts of topics. A good time.

The positives I'll take are that W presumably spoke with the priest about annulment, but he was having nothing of it. I do admit distress that she thinks I'm out to destroy her--but I'm just trying to keep my own sanity and my talks with the priest were for counsel and guidance (and hope), --not to establish a scorecard. The other positves are the clear recent comments about changes she sees. Such comments are no longer sporadic, but made more often. There is natural anger and it may not change the final equation--but I really must maintian these changes over a long period of time to be meaningful to me as well as her--and to have a chance.

Tomorrow is another day, but I've got plans with friends and won't be around home much. With both of us having a busy week ahead, I think and pray that contact and conflict will be at a minimum.

Merrick

[Zoo]

HEy Merrick,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

MAn, you are having a time of it. Your W is doing EVERYTHING she can think of to MAKE you leave. That cannot be easy for you and my heart goes out to you. When a WAS turns to cruelty it is HARD.

Merrick, she is being UNDULY cruel and that makes it difficult for me to give any advice. I think way back in the beginning I suggested that you STAY, that is usually the best thing to do even though it can get a bit rough at times.

It seems to me though that your W is extremely deliberate in her cruelty...she appears to be cold and calculating in her haranguing, not just "reacting". So that turns me to the thought of "Dude, you need to get out of there and tout suit!" That crap is scaring ME and I can only imaginge the effect it might be having on your children and YOU.

BUT

That would also be "rewarding" her particularly deplorable behaviour. It would reinforce for her that that is the tactic she has to take in order to get what she wants. It would in no way change the dynamic between the two of you. The only benefit I can see is that it MIGHT give you some peace and quite for AWHILE but I don't see that lasting. I think she would still try to find a way to make your life miserable. The other thing is the effect it would have on the children. It would show them that in order to get their way, cruelty is the best road to take. Am I right to think that she would be the primary custodian of the children? If that is true then you are right...it is a set up for manipulation. I can see her going out of her way to make sure the children loose their respect for you.

You would know the legal ramifications far more then I would so I won't even venture a guess there

I still think the best thing to do is to walk away when she starts to get confrontational and to stay put when she talks to you in a reasonable tone and stays away from R/M talk. To be honest, I would have gotten up and taken the children and left the restaurant when she started acting the way she did. Left her sitting at the table all by herself, not said a word to her or offer an explanation...just left. The embarrasement would have been totally hers then. I admire that you could sit there the way you did and continue but you MAY have shown her that it is acceptable for her to behave that way in public...you'll just grin and bear it. She may have gotten some form of satisfaction from your reaction, she achieved embarrasing YOU in public and putting you in the position of not being able to "react". I'm just speculating here but it is the sense that i got from the whole scene.

Your W reminds me of my mother in a lot of ways...she enjoys "punishing" people when she feels wronged and she doesn't care how it happens or when but she will make you "pay". She goes out of her way to push buttons and she can be very cruel in doing it. She rarely feels remorse for it, in her mind she is justified because she was "wronged" first. She will say she is sorry but not mean it. i think of it as a "victim" mentality but that is just my label.

Have you ever tried taping your W during one of her tirades and then playing it back for her? Letting her here just how venomous and nasty she sounds? We often don't hear ourselves the way others do. I know that the first time I heard myself stutter on an answering machine I freaked out...it took me a long time to leave messages again after that. To MY ears I didn't stutter that bad...it seemed to be more of a minor stumbling over words. When I heard the message though...it was horrible and I was mortified. It helped me to understand why people were quick to get me off of the phone though so it kind of tempered the anger I use to feel at being "brushed off" during a phone conversation.

Just something I thought I'd through out there...I'm trying hard not to see your W as a viscious, spoiled brat.

KOFTGF Merrick, you are to be admired and applauded for your fortitude in this sitch

Hugz,
Zoo

[DBB]

M,

Z as usual, puts in on the line. If we all only had this insight into ourselves?

I think, as difficult as it is, you have to try and stay. I believe she will perceive it as "victory" if you leave. And the children will see this and be affected.

I cannot imagine what this is all about or what you are suffering through. And it seems impossible, regardless of what happens, and I believe your heart knows the answer, you and I hope the children will be stronger. This seems unlikely right now, but everyone swears time is an ally.

hang in

write

[Briget]

Hi Merrick,
I think if she wants out then she should be the one to leave.Not you.If she wants out then as Dr. Phil says she will have to earn her way out.Have a good day.Some how.
Later Friend.
Briget

[Underdog]

(((((Merrick)))))

If only your priest knew enough about you to identify you as an example of turning the other cheek.... to loving someone who is behaving so unlovably.... to contining to act loving in the face of hatred.

You have to be the strongest person here right now.

I have a couple things rolling around in my skull, along with the rocks that are ever present. The first is that I hope I have enough character discernment never to vote for her or anyone who can deliberately act so hateful toward someone else.

The other is boundary setting. Merrick, from what I see you are not a softie or a doormat. Is it possible for you to identify the behaviors that will not be tolerated? Like ANY nasty behaviors toward you in the presence of your children (or even within hearing distance).

I like Zoo's suggestion of taping. Besides, isn't that any politician's worse fear? Being caught with irrefutable evidence against them?

Lastly, I hope you won't be mad at me for thinking that the priest's perceived rebuff to her was beyond hilarious. Just what about her approach does she think is worth listening to? Even from a priest's perspective?

I admire you, I really do. Hopefully I'll get to give you a hug in person the week after next...

Stay smiling!

Betsey

[merrick]

Thanks again, gals. Bets, I'm not so sure that I'm strong as stupid. Heck a lot of others around here are living with A's right in their face--and extra-M pregancies. Now those folks are strong! As for me, I don't know what my W is involved in. But whatever, it still hurts a lot. In my wildest dreams I could never imagine my W acting this way--but I think it just shows the shape she is in.
Today was a day just for me. I was invited to a "party" (i..e., see the Islanders play) I've seen more hockey games these past 15 months than I have the previous 20 years. So after playing with the kids in the morning
- I went to a diner for a late breakfast, read the paper,
- Went to the game with a friend
- Came home and played catch with S9
- Cooked steaks on the grill
- Went to a local memorial mass with family (but did not
sit with W)
- W went out and I took the kids home.

Tomorrow, I'm getting together with my first cousin, who have I have not seen in close to 30 years (perhaps you'll see family of origin issues). I tracked him down three weeks ago and it turns out he is visiting NYC with his family this week!!! I'm pretty excited about this, but have not yet told W.

Tomorrow morning's my big update call with Laurie. Lots to talk about. Have a great week y'all.

Merrick

[DBB]

Hey M,

Sounding great and staying busy; we know this is key.

No, we could never imagine our spouse acting this way, but if we had paid closer attention to them and the M, who knows?

hang in

write

[Briget]

Hi Merrick,
Hopefully you will get some insight on how to react to your wifes behavior.

You sound like you had a good day.I love going to diners and just sitting and reading the paper.I'm from the city here.Now I live in the out in the subs.I miss the city.They have diners down town.But none here. I guess they dont have as much of a need for them here as they do a mall and a walmart.LOL

I have never understood hockey.It is not to popular here in the south.We have Nascar.Which I hate.My hubby is into it so much.I live abut a hour from Daytona.I'm thinking of getting tickets (I think they have them) and going with a friend.My hubby used to complain because I hated it.I wonder if that would be a 180 or would it be to big of a 180?

Have a blessed and peacful night.
Later Friend.
Briget

[merrick]

Zoo-

Didn't mean to pass you over; I tried to reply on your thread, but I guess it was locked out. Things sounding great for you. I think goal-setting works, but you have to establish a proper time horizon. For the time being, I've given up on short-term goals (i.e., one week or two) and literally try to set hour-by-hour--or better yet, interaction by interaction goals. For example, when we went to dinner Saturday night, I established three goals: 1) be as patient as possible with the kids/teach don't yell; 2) Do not allow W to goad me into a fight; and 3) Keep myself as engaged as animated as possible with the kids to to facilitate 1 and 2. Setting ongoing goals is hard, but gets easier if you do it consistently.

I like your taping idea. I've thought of snoop taping to get a handle on OM--I know I'm not supposed to be thinking of that, but I confess that knowing what's going on there (EA interaciton still going on) helps me to understand where W's mind might be at--and could buy me patience. Another thing (OM in general) to ask Laurie.

Briget and Betsey, as always, just seeing your thoughts gives me a lift. DBB, you seem to be getting the hang of this. Brigid, if you're anything near Tampa, if my Islanders play Tampa Bay in the playoffs, maybe I'll have to come down and take you to a game and show you what it's all about!!! Have a great day!

Merrick

[Briget]

Good Morning Merick,
I hope you had a quiet night.I don't know abut taping her.I think in some states it is against the law.That is why I didn't do it.I didn't want to break the law and give him something to use against me.You might want to ask your lawyer.

I live in Jacksonville.My in laws live in Tampa.My father in law is a hockey fan.Now wouldn't that be funny to run into him there.

Have a good day.
Later Friend.
Briget