MAn, you are having a time of it. Your W is doing EVERYTHING she can think of to MAKE you leave. That cannot be easy for you and my heart goes out to you. When a WAS turns to cruelty it is HARD.
Merrick, she is being UNDULY cruel and that makes it difficult for me to give any advice. I think way back in the beginning I suggested that you STAY, that is usually the best thing to do even though it can get a bit rough at times.
It seems to me though that your W is extremely deliberate in her cruelty...she appears to be cold and calculating in her haranguing, not just "reacting". So that turns me to the thought of "Dude, you need to get out of there and tout suit!" That crap is scaring ME and I can only imaginge the effect it might be having on your children and YOU.
BUT
That would also be "rewarding" her particularly deplorable behaviour. It would reinforce for her that that is the tactic she has to take in order to get what she wants. It would in no way change the dynamic between the two of you. The only benefit I can see is that it MIGHT give you some peace and quite for AWHILE but I don't see that lasting. I think she would still try to find a way to make your life miserable. The other thing is the effect it would have on the children. It would show them that in order to get their way, cruelty is the best road to take. Am I right to think that she would be the primary custodian of the children? If that is true then you are right...it is a set up for manipulation. I can see her going out of her way to make sure the children loose their respect for you.
You would know the legal ramifications far more then I would so I won't even venture a guess there
I still think the best thing to do is to walk away when she starts to get confrontational and to stay put when she talks to you in a reasonable tone and stays away from R/M talk. To be honest, I would have gotten up and taken the children and left the restaurant when she started acting the way she did. Left her sitting at the table all by herself, not said a word to her or offer an explanation...just left. The embarrasement would have been totally hers then. I admire that you could sit there the way you did and continue but you MAY have shown her that it is acceptable for her to behave that way in public...you'll just grin and bear it. She may have gotten some form of satisfaction from your reaction, she achieved embarrasing YOU in public and putting you in the position of not being able to "react". I'm just speculating here but it is the sense that i got from the whole scene.
Your W reminds me of my mother in a lot of ways...she enjoys "punishing" people when she feels wronged and she doesn't care how it happens or when but she will make you "pay". She goes out of her way to push buttons and she can be very cruel in doing it. She rarely feels remorse for it, in her mind she is justified because she was "wronged" first. She will say she is sorry but not mean it. i think of it as a "victim" mentality but that is just my label.
Have you ever tried taping your W during one of her tirades and then playing it back for her? Letting her here just how venomous and nasty she sounds? We often don't hear ourselves the way others do. I know that the first time I heard myself stutter on an answering machine I freaked out...it took me a long time to leave messages again after that. To MY ears I didn't stutter that bad...it seemed to be more of a minor stumbling over words. When I heard the message though...it was horrible and I was mortified. It helped me to understand why people were quick to get me off of the phone though so it kind of tempered the anger I use to feel at being "brushed off" during a phone conversation.
Just something I thought I'd through out there...I'm trying hard not to see your W as a viscious, spoiled brat.
KOFTGF Merrick, you are to be admired and applauded for your fortitude in this sitch
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
