Hey Brig and Bets. Brig, I think I'm really beginning to understand about love, but it brings new challenges. As you'll see today, My W remains angry and my detachment skills are getting better every day, but even as I detach from the day-to-day, I somehow feel my love for W is growing stronger. And as result, I feel a new type of sadness. It's not the weepy "Woe is me kind," but a sadness of "loss" over the entire sitch and what it is doing to people, including my W. I mean, what's happening is just plain sad--period.

Anyway, some journaling on another day in paradise. W gives me more BB material every day, but as bad as it seems, I'll take some positives out of it (hit me if I'm delusional).

In general, the day was mapped out. S9 belongs to the NY Islanders Kids Club, and the team (hockey) had an open practice today for members followed by an autograph session with their star player, Alexei Yashin. I took him (Note: While I was with S9, much to his chagrin, I talked a lot about God, love, forgiveness, and really trying to be kind--I tried to convey a sense of love in the house without touching upon our M sitch). D5 had a birthday party.

W asked this morning what I wanted for dinner, and we decided to go defrost steaks for the grill. Then we needed to decide whether to go to Church tonight or tomorrow. We have a Memorial mass tomorrow night, and I asked W if that qualfies. She then answers very sarcastically, "You're the big Christian; you tell me." I said I know very little about mass, but she said, "Yeah. Right. You know all the rules about the Church." We decided that since tomorrow night would not count, we should go tonight at 5:30.

Ah, but now, W was engaged. She asked me if saw our priest and when. I said I spoke to him several weeks ago about what I should do. She wanted to know exactly what I told him because she met with him (about annulment?) and she claims he didn't want to hear any of her story and was rude to her. She also asked if I spoke to the Deacon, head sister, and Monsignor--so that she could get to them first and tell them her side of the story before I slanted their minds the way I did with her family. I really didn't have a chance to validate, because then she went into her family.

WARNING: NEVER TELL IN-LAW's ANYTHING BECAUSE IT WILL COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ARSE.

She then said that I had some nerve thinking she needed some help (part of convo with MIL). The only reason she feared cancer over two years was that a school friend had cancer and died (true) and she had experienced real tragedy. AND, she realized that if she dies, she was terrified that the kids would be stuck with me raising them--since I had no R with them other than giving them a bottle and being a caretaker.

I just nodded and looked as sincere as I could. Our son came in and that ended. When S9 left, W scolded me that I should think about what I'm doing to the kids by continuing the M. She said I needed to put my interests behind those of the kids. I just said softly , "I know."

Church was fine, but since it was raining, we decided to go out instead of grill. W started to look for a fight in the car on everyday things, and I just would not bite. S9 then says, "Look if you're going to continue this and get into a fight, let's not go out to eat." I said, "No one is fighting; were trying to figure out how to do some things this week and that's okay, so let's enjoy dinner."

At dinner, W made for more material. She ordered a Kendall Jackson Chardonay, but when it came, she said it didn't taste like it. She told the waitress, who said the bartender insisted it was KJ. W got annoyed and said to leave a small tip. I then got up and approached the waitress away from the table and pleasantly requested a another glass. When one was brought, W lieterally growled at me --"Why did you do that; I could have done that myself. I don't need you. I needed you to take control all these years. You're an a$$hole." S9, D8, D5 were simultaneosly stunned with the insult, and W grudgingly apologized--more to the kids than me. I let it bounce right off me and stayed upbeat. Then, when our dinner came, W did not have silverwear, so I offered her mine. Again, she snarled lie a devil, "Don't help me with anything. You should have been doing this for years." I acted very calm and said, "Everything's okay." and quicky chnaged the subject." W didn't speak much the rest of dinner, but I had a very animated discussion with S9 and D8 on all sorts of topics. A good time.

The positives I'll take are that W presumably spoke with the priest about annulment, but he was having nothing of it. I do admit distress that she thinks I'm out to destroy her--but I'm just trying to keep my own sanity and my talks with the priest were for counsel and guidance (and hope), --not to establish a scorecard. The other positves are the clear recent comments about changes she sees. Such comments are no longer sporadic, but made more often. There is natural anger and it may not change the final equation--but I really must maintian these changes over a long period of time to be meaningful to me as well as her--and to have a chance.

Tomorrow is another day, but I've got plans with friends and won't be around home much. With both of us having a busy week ahead, I think and pray that contact and conflict will be at a minimum.

Merrick

Keep on fighting the good fight.

Merrick