You won't start a brouhaha and this is exactly what I see the BB for--sharing and getting ideas. I cherish everyone's thoughts. I think the sep. question is like a see-saw, with one approach or the other on top at any given time and the potential to shift.
A long Betsy post, however, requires a long reply and hope my fellow DBers can stick with me.
In the doing what works department, staying doesn't appear to have worked, but then again, I have exhausted the possibilities of staying put. The best reason for leaving as I see it is that it radically changes the dynamics of the current sitch and shakes things up for entirely new approach to myself and the R. I will lean heavily on Laurie and my own gut for now.
The three things holding me back are 1) legal, 2) the Kids; and 3) effectiveness.
1) The legal issues can get messy, but she is finally having an agreement drawn up that will reflect how she thinks this would work. I really need that since she is not prone to compromise and it gives me a much a better sense of what I can expect on thelegal front. This had to be her first move.
2) The impact on the kids is hard to gauge, but there is near universal agreement that divorce/sep has an adverse impact and the goal of parents is to mitigate that impact. Conversely, a bad family atmosphere also is bad for the kids--although Judith Wasserstein (sp) felt that in the absence of actual conflict, staying together might be better. I agree that the absence of love and affection between H & W is not helpful, but it seems that the problems are most severe when this is the permanent condition--which is not my aim and argues for more time before leaving. In item three below, you will get a more of a flavor of the impact on my kids.
3) The dynamics in our R is that while I may have been emotionally distant when W needed me most, she really called all the shots because I was indifferent to many of things she cared about. On two of the most important issues we faced--moving back to NY (and my shifting career) and the potential for more kids (vasectomy), she cried, begged, and prodded (similar to now) until she got what she wanted. Not that I had no say, but she made it clear that our lives would be miserable unless we pursued her course and I followed her wishes (because I loved her). The third most important area has been a ten-year battleground on how to discipine the kids--we never got onthe same page and butted heads--with predictable results. Strife.
For most of W's entire life, she has got what she wanted. Perhaps she is to be given credit with sticking for me so long given her perceptions of the world, but when the going gets tough for her--she generally gears up and wears down the opposition or just quits when the oppositon is resistant. Rarely is there true compromise and when she pursues a course of action--she is determined to have her way. Indeed, once she actually said the D word and told others, I knew I was in the deepest trouble of my life.
Another example of her winner take all attitude is when you question (even politely), an approach taken with the kids. Her usual answer is, "Oh? So I'm a bad mother?" In fact, any perceived criticism is taken as, "So sue/kill/punish me because I'm not perfect." She allows no criticism and casts unreasonableness back upon the critic by accusing the critic of putting her to an impossible standard--perfection.
THUS, I can't help but think leaving will feed the devouring winner-take-all beast. Moreover, she has told me on several occassions that others told her if I leave she'll be miserable, but she intends to prove them wrong. So, to move and hope for her misery to ask me back would be akin to her admitting that she was wrong--which I do not believe she has ever done in my lifetime. She may have said sorry for certain behaviors, but she has never said that she was wrong about an issue--perhaps because she thinks I'd gloat about it due to my competitive nature.
In any event, I can easily see my kids getting lost in this power struggle. While mothering is never easy, she tends to explode and quit when the going gets rough with the kids. My son especially knows he can hold out against her and get his way in the end and when I take the unyielding approach, which can be extreme because my son is extereme, he goes to her all the time. W doesn't see this dynamic but every single one of her relatives does and has said so to me (my new approach to the kids is to try to be more patient and flexible initially rather than rushing to the hard line, especially with my girls). This problem is likely to get worse with a separation and the kids will up the ante on the manipulation game--and create a disiaster, especially if we have split disciplinary regimes.
In this regard, I think the most important thing we might be able to do as a possible precursor to separation is to go to a co-parenting class.
Anyway, the bottom line--and I may be wrong--is I feel the same way towards her that I do my son (which may be why she defends him so much). At some point, someone has to say, "No" and mean it. You don't get your way with others by acting out and throwing a tantrum. Even if it causes great short-term pain--it seems like the only way to make real progress. For me, progress is taking place through my process of conversion. I feel learning about Christ is so much about truly purging my worst selfish impulses and looking at others in an entirely new and caring way. I have such a long, long way to go, but this personal trauma in my M was the way God has reached me to say--you can't act like you have any longer!
Well nothing will happen soon, so I'll try my best in the meantime. The first thing I'll try is not walking away from my W's next tirade. If I'm really listening, I think she may be trying to make a connection by saying if you truly care about me, you won't walk away and will respect my view--even if you don't like it. I just have a hard time distinguishing this call from an attempt to engage me in a fight. As many of us know, it's a very fin line.
