Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6

[Jefe]

No, you did not. I was waiting for a response from you first (and I was way too tired last night to type the whole thing)

"I think she is very hurt. I believe you both have deep wounds and I believe the wounds go back to the first time you split (before you were married).
I don’t know what caused the breakup but it must have been epic. Because she ran into the arms of another man and you let her.

Her behavior indicates she wants you to be her hero."

I've been doing a lot of soul searching about that first year and I noticed, or revisited some events and they way they played out.

I'll start with the first seriously ugly lashing episode. I had it coming. I had already started to withdraw. I was pulling back into myself. Yes, she was pushing for the divorce, but it was more than that. She was clearly grooming me for more. I didn't see it then, but I see it now.

We had band practice, and as was the norm for our practices back then, we drank heavily. So much so that I fell asleep on the couch at the studio. She called at 3:45 that morning wondering where I was. I came home and stayed in the living room, afraid to face her. She went into a rage filled lashing episode, literally jumping up and down on the bed while she screamed at me. "What is the matter with you, who does this?" kind of vibe. I don't remember where in the timeline this event fits but it must have been close to the end.

Now, keep in mind, we had moved into a house together (with a roommate) and she had turned it into a beautiful home. When she left she moved back into her mother's apartment 10-12 miles away from the house.

The reason this is significant is when she left she took her couch, her table and her dresser and put them in storage 1.5 miles from the house and nowhere close to where she was going to be living, working or playing. And there were PLENTY of storage units over there. The only other things she took was her clothes. She left behind her dog (She trusted NOONE with that dog, she's a registered vet tech) she left behind all the rest of her stuff. I never understood any of it until yesterday. Either she wanted to run as fast as she could or, what I think was the truth, she had no intentions of staying gone permanently. I think she was completely invested in us and I think I totally broke her heart. And I see little glimmers of that pain all through-out our marriage.

Another observation is one my sponsor made that validate what you have been saying. He said your wife really responds to positive interaction. You need to follow that.

Starsky made a comment the other day that my wife was repaying my kindness by pursuing OM2. I disagree. She repaid my stupid and hurtful comment last Friday with a mini lashing episode and the pursuit. She repaid my kindness that I extended on Tue with the phone call and text above.

Oh, and I'm still confused on the "let her" part, Hope. But I think even that is becoming more clear.

Just information, fwiw.

And yes everybody, I have got to get my emotions in check and detach better. I have let this affect me too deeply. I love the rock analogy. I remain solid and firm as the waves crash into me.

Have a great day everyone.