Thank you so much for your really kind words of encouragement. It is so humbling to know there are people out there - strangers to me - who are willing and happy to help me through this. You are all amazing.
I had a good talk with S18, he said to know that he does not feel that I am walking away from him, that he is choosing to stay without me and that it was his decision to change our plans. I really don't want him to feel like both of his parents have abandoned him - his dad does not contact him very often and S18 can't be bothered with his dad, plus he is not happy about what he has done. S21 feels the same, although he lives near his dad so he tends to see him a lot more. Neither of them like OW but of what she represents more than her as a person.
After a lot of thought today and a chat with a good neighbour, I have decided to treat my move as a trip instead, a chance to have some time out, catch up with friends and family and hopefully re set. I really don't want to live on the other side of the world from both my boys, they are my priority now. So as I am in the privileged situation of no ties or commitments I can come and go as I please. Just need to get a range of skills to make sure I can get work anywhere! Thinking Barista, bar work, waitress - any other suggestions?
I have been thinking about my goals. I started off making so many, so scraped the whole lot and decided to put only things down that are really important to me. I put my first one on my list yesterday. It may sound really silly to some - but its to have savings. To earn money and save some, even if its just a few $ each week. Its really important to me, as he just spent spent spent, on nothing. I have nothing to show for it, no fantastic memories - it was him spending on status things; private schools for the boys - we really did not have the money for it and we certainly not suited to that world, be he felt he was and I think he got a buzz from the status.
He wrote to me not long ago about his spending problem - his words were : I bought and sold cars like it was a game, I bought and sold houses like it was monopoly and I chased a career with no regard to you or the boys.
I had a large inheritance from my mother and have been mortified to find its all gone. I must have been living under a rock all this time - I feel so gullible and stupid for not seeing it.
Sometimes I get a glimpse of the old him - the guy I fell in love with. So I know he is in there somewhere. Maybe one day he will return to the land of sanity, I hope for his sake he does soon, as he is doing so much damage to his life - and from reading past posts from people who have gone through it, it sounds terrible. I do still hope that he does get some pain in his life as it really does not feel fair that he gets to "have it all".
I know its all about me now. Regaining control over my own emotions and thoughts. I put my hand up and declare that i suffer from Doormat Syndrome (they have a syndrome for everything else so I presume there is a doormat one lol.) I would do anything for anyone, I am useless at saying NO.
At the end of the day, the man I never imagined would hurt me ever has done the unimaginable. It gonna hurt ....and it does ....big time.
Again, thanks to you all. I really appreciate you all pushing me forwards. I love reading all the posts from start to finish, all the updates on lives and how they have changed. Keeps me optimistic that I will survive this and come out smiling once again.
I saw a saying today - Everyone likes happiness, no one likes pain, but how can you make a rainbow, without a little rain.
