Enjoying the ride

[Zues126]

Sometimes when I'm down I feel like I'm under attack from an army of demons. Doubts, insecurities, regrets, etc.

When I let them take over I feel there is something wrong with me for having the desires I have. That my future lies in being in a lonely relationship where I am perpetually neglected, rejected, misunderstood, frustrated, and that I remain that way throughout my life because I dont want to be alone and i cant do better. I feel like I can quit porn, read a million books, have a dozen therapists, and it won't work because there is just something inside of me that is broken and I am too sensitive and needy to be able to live a normal life, and no woman has any reason to want to be tied to me. I feel like my attempts to grow are futile because my life is just destined to be one of broken relationships and suffering. It gets to the poit where I can't even picture having a relationship with a woman because I feel I'll either have to pretend to be someone I'm not, or be rejected with disgust for being who I am.

To be clear, I choose not to believe those thoughts. Those are what I battle when I feel down. I choose to believe that those thoughts and feelings are a natural result of making bad choices, and that if I make better choices ill feel differently at some point. So I have stopped porn (1 backslide a month ago when I gave to those thoughts) for 4 months. I am reading books, working with 2 councelors (IC and DB coach), I am learning more about the impacts of porn (watched the TED talk one and have done plenty of homework on my own). And I maintaining faith that eventually I will think and feel differently if I make choices guided by my core beliefs. Oh, and I am validating my feeligs and nurturing myself vs using defense mechanisms, without wallowing.

The good news is I have been under attack less lately. I think today I'm just low because yesterday was my last day at my 6 year job, it was sad to say goodbye. And I recently had the separation conversation with STBX and it was sad that she and I were at the point of divying up children and money. So I think I've grown from being 'depressed', to just feeling 'sad' today.

My plan. Continue to have faith, make healthy choices, and GAL tonight. I'm going to play some 3 cushion Billiards. No pockets. Just three balls and art on a billiard table. Anyone who knows the game will understand. I start my new job Monday, ill dive into it with passion. And I will make sure my time with the children tomorrow is QUALITY.

Thanks for the reminder. Not only does this strengthen my resolve to continue workin on myself and avoiding future backslides, it reminds me that I'm not a victim in this and I brought this upon myself. Not always a pleasant reminder, but necessary to stay focused on a road that will take me to a brighter future.

[Zues126]

I think I just realized today how angry I am.

This is all me. It has nothing to do with STBX or circumstances. Oh, sure, in the aftermath of our broken M she has done some things that aren't easy to shrug off. But my anger is deeper than that.

This is kind of new to me. For over 20 years I blocked my emotions out, shrugged, and though I was detached. Then I used the pain of suppression as fuel. Probably one of the reasons I like to compete. I smile at the world and say everything is fine, then turn to a game and focus that energy on trying to beat my opponents so bad they never even want to see a picture of me again because it will trigger flashbacks. This is similar to the 'nice guy' syndrome. The irony is that I thought if I was super successful my W would love, admire, and appreciate that...then when she didn't I'd feel rejected and betrayed, leading to more anger...then back to more world conquest.

I regret bringing that poison into my M. I can see how that created emotional distance, didn't allow her to feel safe with me, and how I used the anger I felt to rationalize neglectful behavior.

With or without a partner it's something I'm going to be more aware of. I think just by getting a life, meeting my own needs, etc, I can reduce it. No more 'covert contracts', or less anyway. And I'm trying not to repress these feelings, or medicate to avoid. But I'll have to work with IC and DB coach to get their ideas on some better models.

Anyway, this post came about because someone made a fairly innocent remark about my separation and I found myself ready to never speak to that person again for a moment...just had to talk about it so it wasn't bottled up.

[jim0987]

Sounds like the realisation will be healthy. First step is admitting the problem etc.

Those covert contracts are devious little things. I hadn't realised how much I do it but I've found recognition is really helping me to avoid them

[Zues126]

And if I do my part to avoid covert contracts then I expect God to reward me with a fulfilling restored relationship...;)

[jim0987]

Well if you're going to make a contract it might as well be with someone omnipotent, at least then its not covert.

[Zues126]

I can really relate to those saying it's easier to be dark. I have been doing great this week. Started my new job yesterday, I am PUMPED. I won't say too much because I have a lot of compassion for those struggling financially, but let me celebrate that I will be doing quite well. After being the sole income earner for 10 years, I now will have child support/alimony and my own living expenses...that is much less than supporting a family and house. And I have the potential to earn SUBSTANTIALLY more next year. Like an increase that I've worked for 15 years to be ready to take advantage of.

So doing quite well, feeling good about life. Tonight that's tested. My mom told me she spoke with STBX. STBX is really stressed about money. Told my mom she was very concerned with how much I was going to be paying next month, and whether it would be fair or what we agreed on.

We didn't agree on anything. My lawyer is going to run formulas about what I would likely pay post divorce. I have told her I advised my A to be fair and focused on ALL of our family's needs.

I guess it's fair she could be scared, suspicious, and cautious. It's just hard to see things get to the point that we are uncomfortable talking because of money, and now that trust is very low.

My DB coach has told me to be warm. To invite her to things with the kids. To be friends. But I am SO uncomfortable being anywhere near her. I just feel better when we're not talking. I know, I know. Feelings follow action. I did invite her to Thanksgiving with my family (she brought it up tentatively, I extended the invite). No reply. I asked her about a schedule adjustment because I will miss a day with the kids for training on the new job (out of town). No reply.

I'm still working on me, and don't intend to walk a road different than I would if I had hope for R. The way this has gone and how it feels currently I can't even picture that. Frankly, I'm afraid things may get to the point we don't talk anymore and she harbors ill will and malice. Sorry for being afraid of the worst, hard to help it right now. But I'll loop my DB back in and try to regroup. Just easier when it's dark.

[gan]

Hey Zeus, Thanks for posting on my thread. Your insights were truly helpful. I was just going to pop over and ask if you would describe yourself as "sensitive" and lo and behold your first post on this page answers my question.

Know this: despite the difficulties related to my H's ability to emotionally cutoff, I always loved him for the sensitive person that he is. I sort of came to conclude that there couldn't be one without the other. I always felt he was special among men because of his sensitive side. That's actually one of the main things that keeps me here.

You really sound like you are confronting yourself and making lots of positive changes. It's so great to see. I think we're all going to be better human being for this...

[Zues126]

Tough day. Daughters Bday party. Joint family, first life together event since BD.

I didn't do well. I didn't do anything crazy like create drama. The problem is I just didn't do anything. I practically just sat there the whole time without saying anything. I had moments where I played with my kids, talked to my family. But when she would come and sit down within ear shot I just tightened up. I felt like a turtle pulling myself deep within a shell.

This wasnt good DBing from the sense that I was a distanced during the R, and that I wasn't acting happy and outgoing or anything. All I can say is that it was so painful all I could do was endure. It was like I was sitting waist deep in a snake out.

This proves I have a lot more to work on for me. It's not about her. I don't see a her and I ever again. We practically cause each other pain just being around each other (at least she does to me). I suppose in theory that could change but right now I just need to keep letting to and takin care of myself. I look forward to the day I feel about her the way I feel about my 6th grade crush. And obviously I still have problems if this breakup (of a BAD M) still hurts me this much.

I will talk to IC about this. I suppose I should set up another DB coach session. It's been a while but I have just been avoiding the sitch lately. The further I've been the better I've felt. I know it's not helping my chances of R, and I am tryin to walk the balance between stopping my DBing and personal growth, and hanging on. I feel like its gettin tougher sometimes.

[HopeTex]

Don't be too hardon yourself. I find that there is a fine line between self-examination and self-loathing. You have to give yourself grace. Otherwise you won't give it to other people.

I am In the same stage as you, when I am around W I just clam up, feel awful. I know that DB says to be happy and relaxed, but right now that is just impossible. So I am not going to beat myself up about it. I will heal a little more and maybe then I can feel and act better around W. I need first of all to do what is good for me and my mental health. Right now that means limiting my interactions with her.

[Zues126]

Thanks tex. interesting feedback from my IC. He said I felt so bad because I was being treated like an object. Kind of.

Two reasons it was tough. One was that I had flashbacks of our M where I felt all she cared about was the kids. I was just the dumb idiot she had to put up with and work around to have the bills paid so she could be the mom she wanted to be. Right or wrong, that's how it felt. So being at this party and watching her dote on the kids at a time when she was evicting me from her life just hit on some of my soft spots. Additionally, I know that she only had this party jointly so she could show everyone else how well we were gettin along. She feeds on public approval and after her actions this summer she felt she lost a lot of people's respect. She was trying to pull off the perfect party to win it all back. This is NOT mind reading. She told me this directly on several occasions. The problem with this is that things AREN'T fine between us, and I resented the idea of having to bury my pain and play like everything's happy when I can't support her decisions.

So my IC said it was like I was handed a script to follow. She doesn't care about me as a person, only that I play this part for her when she needs me for something. He said that was very diminishing and is why I felt so uncomfortable and diminished. He said it would be best to stay dark, limit communication, and not play along. Not being confrontational, but not trying to be a good boy in hopes to keep her happy.

Funny thing is this helped me understand better how I hurt her during the M. I know I did the same thing when I pressured her to be sexual wih me in ways she wasn't comfortable. She too felt diminished and objectified. I can't imagine how much worse it would be to feel that way as a woman. So this experience helped me a LOT.

What to do with a of this? Not sure. My DB coach was all about me building a friendship but I'm not sure I'm there yet or will be. I still long for R and won't burn bridges, but also know I won't live being treated the way I was during the R either. But I know I still have strong emotions about all of this and the best thing to do is just take care of myself and let more time pass. It's about 5 months now and I'm really seeing how long this marathon is, wherever it ends up.