Regroup, buddy, regroup. Focus on the type of person you want to be - no doubt this will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you have got to let this situation go and 1) focus hard on your relationship with Christ 2) Tell Jesus you need help being the person you want to be 3) Treat W the way you would like to be able to treat her.
You will only be able to do #3 with God's help. She will spit in your face - maybe even literally, but you must treat W as if you had accomplished the R you want. That is DBing. You have to do things you don't want to, you shouldn't have to, that you honestly can't do. You have done so well, and put up with so much.
Jesus is just waiting for you to give up so he can carry this burden for you. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the absolute best after it was done, for me and my R.
Doesn't sound like you are at a boiling point, just W is. Be the person you want to be - include W in that and show her how good your R can be again.
Douse the flame with FIL by only listening - damage may already be done, but I think he may be Ws pressure valve right now. Let W and FIL have relationship and vent to each other, you are already in the middle, just be cool and let the storm whip around you.
I take W's concern about retaining a L a good sign, VALIDATE that you want to work with W. Not sure telling her to do what she's got to do is best comeback anymore.
I used, "I'm not going to tell you what to do", but my W's issue was me controlling her.
Merrick, During Christmas my in laws tried to get into it with me.My mother in law sent me three horrible emails telling me what a terrible wife,mother and daughter in law I was.She even put down my family.She has never even met my family.My mother is senile and she even put her down.So I sent them a email asking them to not contact me.I did it in a kind gentle way.I told them that I did not want to say things that I would never be able to take back.That I loved them and always will.And this was between me and there son.He is welcome to tell them anything he wishes but I refuse to say anything against my husband.And I left it at that.
Now on to you.You have been on the recieving end of a beating.So now would be the time to pull back and lick your wounds.You will not be able to say kind or do kind things while you are hurting.Right now buddy your iron is very hot.
Pull back and get your soldiers in place.Read your bible,Pray,meditate,call your friends to pray.And when your really ready to you can get back in the game.
Whenever I'm on this end of a emotional beating i pull back so I can't be hurt more.
If I were you I would take the phone off the hook,shut off the cell, and not read any email for a while.
Visit my thread if you need to .I'm sure I will get back on later Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Really a tough day. I think you have been given some good advice here.
An observation. It seems your W is stretching for reasons and answers and wants to make you the fall guy. If she wants to get FIL involved, could you all three get together for a conversation? If you have a good R with him, he knows you are not usually like that, then approach it with an open heart and open mind and DB your butt off. Stand up for yourself and speak your mind when you feel like it is absolutely necessary and defend your actions.
It seems to me she is at this point of pushing it, election or whatever bs. If you are the reasonable one, what grounds can she stand on? Like the judge for Eddy, FIL may really see through her BS. Especially if he knows her BS all her life.
I have a call with you on Monday and I hope you can read my posts since early February before we talk.
I'm reeling a bit this morning. The PMA is still generally good, but somewhat battered. I should have listened to Briget about just licking my wounds and not talking to anyone.
Instead, I had a one-hour convo with MIL, who while admiring my efforts, feels that my leaving is the only possible way that W will change her mind. She says W says she no longer loves me, hates the sight of me, and considers my presence more and more antagonistic every day. All this is bad for the kids (MIL's dad had an A and her parents divorced).
I talked about my unwillingness to move while W has A going on has refused to do anything about her own mental health, never mind M counseling. But it's clear to me that W's family has pow-wowed and the consensus is that I must move. W has told her that she would move, but take the kids with her. I said that W's assertion that she would uproot the kids is indicative of W's state of mind--and is not in the best interests of the kids. But she was not buying my view.
I'm so confused this morning about the true meaning of love and my responsibilities as a husband, father, and child of God. What am I to do? Is there any roadmap to W's heart? Maybe ai can do a real 180 and ask her to ML this evening. If nothing else, I'll enhance my rights to seek a D for her ongoing refusal to engage in marital relations.
This just sucks and I think I'll just pray for the strength to make it through the rest of the day.
Merrick, Push push push your going to push her off the damn cliff.Stop what our doing.If it isn't working stop it.
What if you did move out?At some point it might become nessassary to do that.She would have a taste of full time single motherhood.And let me tell you it is the hardest thing I have ever done.If you move out who will help her with the day to day things.Like getting the kids off to school,bath time,dinner and all that house work?
I'm not saying to move out.It is a lot harder to DB when you are not around her.However right now she has said that your presence there is antagonizing (spellimg) her.
You two might need to take a break from each other.So at the very least if I were you i would back off so completetly she would barely know i was in the house.
As far as asking her to ML i'm sure you know what the answer to that is.So I won't even go into that.
Pull away for now and let her have her space.Your trying to get her to change her mind.Your giving her a good defense in her mind.
You need to just let her be.And no more talking to the in laws.
Your job as a father is to love your children and to provide for them a home and food.Your to set a good example of love.And sometimes love is down right filthy work.it ain't alway pretty hearts and flowers.Sometimes there manure in there.
A good father gives his time and energy to his children.
Your wife needs you to let her be.If you keep this up she is not going to want to work it out.
Pull back. Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
This is my problem: I have tried very, very hard to let her be. But she pursues me. Once I stopped pursuing last October, she has pursued me unrelentingly as to when I intend to leave and what my plans are to take away the children (Eventually, I took the bait and a fight ensued, especially when she was galavanting with OM). She has especially sought to learn my feelings, but when I tell her--thinking I'm opening up--she pounces on them and tells me that I'm wrong and its because of x, y, z. If I detach and try to refuse talking about our sitch and tell her to show me how a sep or D will work on paper, she'll say I'm just ignoring the problem and just shutting her out. If I do engage, she disputes much of what I say and tries to turn it into a fight. Even last night, she starts to say I was never affectionate in our M--which is simply untrue. If anything, I was overaffectionate and had to learn to back off.
Right now, I am really the most detached I have ever been and could easily leave if it were just her and me, but I also have an R with my kids--and a good one. At the same time, I don't know that I can have a down-to-earth heart-to-heart discussion with her without crying myself. I don't know that it's human to be unable to cry.
The two things I have not tried short of moving out are 1) putting the squeeze on her financially--which seems pretty vindictive to me; and 2) mirroring her antics back onto her, such as acting out on and asking why she is doing this to me, accusing her of destroying me and putting a wedge between me and the kids, and just generally doing everything she has done to me.
I know in my heart that I am willing to do virtually anything to make this M work, but I also want to do what is best for my kids--and I'm still not convinced that S is it.
Hey Merrick, I'm just a lurker here, but if I were you, I'd try to avoid moving out at all costs. When you move out, you lose a lot if she ends up filing for a D. The "status quo" at that point is that you are out of the house, and you (usually) don't have the kids. The "status quo" is usually maintained as of the date and time of the divorce petition filing, until a temporary order of custody can be reached, which could be several months.
My guess here, but FIL got involved because he was looking at spending a significant amount of money on his girl's divorce attorney. I know I hit up my dad when I was filing (from my first wife). I'd tell in-laws (if you have to talk to them at all), that their daughter is an adult and can handle herself. Also, I would behave as if every word you say on a telephone and even every word you say to her or your in-laws, is being recorded. It's not that they are recording them, but I did. And so did my ex.
Divorce really sucks. Hope you don't have to go there.
Thanks for advice Hairdog, but sadly, we've got plenty of cash to squander on divorce proceedings--so that's not an issue with FIL. He does not like what W is doing, but like any father, is concerned about her health.
Today, was a bad day at work. My stomach felt sick and I could not concentrate. I had a meeting with my boss and hate when I'm not at the top of my game. To feel better, I decided if W was going to plunk $5k on an attorney, I was going to plunk $1,500 on season tix for the Islanders next year--way out of character for me. But, if I'm out of the house, I'll need something to do.
There's no need for me to retain an attorney right now. I anticipate her attorney will write up a reasonable separation agreement that I will appropriately choke on and then move into the basement. My next order of business is buying a comfortable and convenient blowup bed. After that, I'll propose moving the unneeded monthly apartment rent into three college accounts for the kids under their names. If W is really intransigient, then I'll see an attorney about preparing a will to make sure my kids get most of the money in trust if I die. If W moves any of our joint money into her own account, then I'll simply stop her credit cards and put my paycheck into my account--but I really don't think this will happen.
On the way home tonight, I prayed the Rosary and asked God to make me the most pleasant person in my house tonight. It worked, and I feel really good. I even asked W how her day went! I truly love my W and believe the girl I married is still there somewhere, so my next task is to be able to sit and let her dish out everything with me being as understanding as possible. At this point, I don't see how allowing her to reinforce her negative feelings can cement her any harder. In addition, I will really take care of myself and let her be. If that means I'm not around, so be it. That's how it would be with S; no reason to stick around now--especially when the kids are asleep at night.
Maybe I'll hop on some other threads, but for now, I'm spent. Hang in there folks.
