S, I know because of my childhood, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If my mom was in a goofy, happy drunk mood, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it could change dramatically. If she was angry, we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so I learned not to trust my perceptions...and instead to trust my fears.
One of the ways that manifested itself in me was that I needed to be very organized and liked to know what was going to happen next.
I know now why I did that and while I remain organized in a healthy way, I know longer need to know what's next. I am more than ok with just living my life and letting it unfold the way it does.
My guess is that you have a need to anticipate how you are going to feel in order to be able to handle it.
We do what we know until we know something better. It's our comfort zone. We know how to act that way.
The thing about anger is that it should be used to propel you forward. After that, holding onto it just weighs you down.
It stops you from continuing to move forward because you get stuck there.
To me, if a feeling isnt serving me well, I find a way to let it wash over me because it isnt going to help me not to.
As long as we hold onto those feelings, we dont have to deal with any others.
I see such growth in you, S. It is wonderful to see.
PRECISELY!!
I am hyper sensitive to the moods of others, make their anxieties mine (learned from my turn-on-a-dime-mother) and because if the hell of all of that, I definitely wait for the other shoe to drop. I'm afraid to also say that often when I'm not prepared for it, I'm caught unprepared and I fumble so it makes sense to me to uber plan.
Having been married to the most unorganized and scatter-brained man on the planet, I've loosened my ties on things and I'm reminded by our separation that I find comfort in order, not just because it helps me keep control, yes, but also because I HATED not knowing what would happen next ever.
There's a balance between having to be structured all the time and living by the seat of your pants all the time and I'm finding that. Slowly.
I am really unpracticed at allowing feelings to wash over me and just be. I want to get better at it but I keep reacting so fast that I don't catch myself until way after. I phenomenon in itself. The sheer speed of my reactivity. It's amazing. I'm surprised there's no sonic boom that accompanies it.
Jeez uR. "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" are precisely the words I've used all these years after living with so much fear of what was going to happen next with my mother.
