I may not understand her anger, but I never said I do not give it credence. She obviously has her reasons, whether I see them or not. But I welcome the opportunity to understand it better through the experience of others. So thank you, rppfl, for your spt on observation. Should you have any more, I welcome what you may have to add.
John, you are in very good hands with Sandi and others here. I'm fairly new and trying to figure it all out myself, but I will comment on this, as it's something I've been working on for myself lately.
One of my own personal issues in my M is that I didn't express myself well, stuffed emotions, and then snapped out in anger an inopportune moments. I have come to understand that about myself, and have worked very hard at expressing myself more in the past 7 months since BD. I try to identify my emotions, sit with them instead of whisk them away, and then find the opportunity to express them to H, or someone else, depending on the situation. As far as your W goes, that's something she's going to have to recognize in herself, and fix herself. You can't do either of those things for her.
As far as why I felt unheard in my M, I have to say that some of it had to do with the "fix it" mentality of men. I would express something, H would offer a "fix", and that was the end of it, let's move on. If you do that to your W, stop it, let her talk. My H has other issues that probably don't apply to you, and it's not like he's made any effort to work on hearing me, so I have little else to offer you in what to do from your end. But one wise lady on this board told me that she and her X had settled into something that worked for them and it played out like this. When XH snapped at her, she asked him if he had an issue with her. That gave him the opportunity to say 1)no, and explain what the real issue was, or 2) yes. If it turned out to be yes, she would then ask what he needed from her. That gave him a chance to express himself.
Another thing I've really worked on lately is my listening skills. I read The Lost Art of Listening and thought is was helpful, and something I could apply to any relationship. In your sich, it may be helpful in helping your W feel heard. And if it doesn't, it's something you've done for you, which is all you can control anyway.
Bottom line is, Rick is right. Live your life. Sandy is right, make yourself a winner, whether she ever comes back or not. It's all we can control here.
