Letting Go - I have dropped any and all expectations of my W. I continue to DB, but it's for me and my kids. I will try different things with W, like paying her compliments or other things, just to see if it has any effect whatsoever. But largely, I consider her to be lost on her path. The wheels of D are in motion, so this is now time boxed, and the realities will be setting in on all of us, without me having to do a thing. We are all living in the same house for now, and I am grateful to be with the kids. There is nothing to be gained by fighting W or D. W is still living in the dreamland where she will simply collect a big monthly check from me, and then go spend it acting half her age with no responsibilities. Letting go has freed me from trying to protect her from what I believe to be the inevitable consequences and the disappointment that will come with them. She must do this on her own, and I am not expecting an eleventh hour Hail Mary.
Still Standing - Like Raliced, I believe the best outcome is to survive as a family. I don't believe in standing at any cost, and that is why I am at peace with the D being in motion. A year of DB from BD to filing, and another year of DB to get the actual D is a not something I will be ashamed of as being too hasty. Right now, I cannot conceive all the conditions that would have to be met to make me feel comfortable in a R with my W again, and since she's not even offering such, it is futile for me to bother myself with it. But I also know that we can surmount a lot of barriers if we were ever to both want the same thing. I know there is no point to burning bridges, and that forgiveness is key to my happiness and a healthy atmosphere. It's also the image that I want to project to the kids.
I don't like the situation; I can't seem to make it better. But it is completely in my control to not make it worse. I can act in a way that doesn't give my W any reason to believe that D is her best option. I'm acting consistent with my values, and that lets me sleep at night.
