After reading through some of the posts on this forum I am more inclined to believe my husband is going through a MLC. My friends, family and Dr have said that’s what they think it is, I suppose I will never know for sure – perhaps I am just looking for an explanation as to what has just happened to us.
A short brief about him and what he has been up to – everything seemed normal, playing happy families, we were planning a trip across USA for our 25th wedding anniversary, he had just got a big promotion so we were about to move and our youngest son is about to leave home so we were looking forward to a second phase of life honeymoon period!
He turned to me one night and said “I can’t do this anymore” no negotiation, no real explanation; just that he was unhappy, felt suffocated and felt that there was more to life, he wanted to have freedom – freedom to choose. He said he has a fear of the ups and downs of life with me; that he could not continue to prop us both up?? Not sure what that means – I won’t say our marriage is perfect, or that I am perfect, far from it, but I don’t know anyone who is ….I am no Mary Poppins – but close ha ha!!
So he left, started his new position and is now like a kid in a candy store. He is never at home, does anything he wants, whenever he wants. 8 weeks after he left he dropped bomb 2; he had found someone new. I was completely devastated, and that is when I realized I could not cope with going through this alone and made the decision to return to the UK where my family are. OW has two younger children (he told me before he left this was not about finding someone new, he didn't want a relationship as that defeated the object of the exercise, and certainly would not want anyone with kids as he is past that stage now and doesn't want the ties. Now he has changed that to – I didn't know I would feel like this about anyone else, her kids aren't babies so that’s ok). After a couple of months, she told him she wants another baby in the future, he said he doesn't and that was it, end of relationship.
He contacted me and said he felt he had made a mistake with us, eventually I said I would see him, we spent an evening together (just dinner) and the next day he told me it was a mistake, he didn't feel he was in love with me anymore, he didn't feel anything physical, he just saw me as a best friend – loves and cares for me like he does his mum!! So rejection 2.
I broke down, was in a mess, he broke down and sounds more of a mess than me. He confessed he is getting in to debt living his new lifestyle but can’t stop and said that he knows something has changed inside him, that he has become selfish and life is all about him, but feels that the old him was a doormat and he hates that person more than the new person, he said he is really happy, it was the best decision he has made (harsh), this is who he is now and I need to accept that we are over and he doesn't want me anymore. He promised me no more dating or relationships until I left the country as I found that really hard to deal with and he said that he wants to make this as easy as possible for me.
Since then I have been told by our eldest that he is back with OW - she saw her counselor (long story – custody battle for kids – which makes me wonder what sort of women is she, as judges don’t consider giving custody to the dad unless there is an issue with the mum – anywhoo) she decided that having another baby was about having control of something in her life so she didn't need a baby after all. He is happy with that explanation (idiot ;o) ) and they are back together – despite promising me he wouldn't –
I have taken on board everyone’s advice and am doing NC, I have had complete NC now for 3 weeks and before that it was emails and some phone calls to sort out finances, talk kids etc. I do admit that during the early days/weeks I would contact him about all sorts, mainly when I heard what he was doing – it upset me.He was ringing me every week for a “chat” as he wants to remain friends but that has stopped since getting back with her. I have completed a college course since he left, started job hunting (I have been a stay at home mum and housewife for 21yrs) I have sold our house, paid all the debts off (turns out he has spent all our money over the years so we came out with just enough to cover our debts and keep me and youngest alive until I move and hopefully get a job), I have taken my name off anything that is connected to him, organised my move back to the uk, I leave just before Christmas. I have taken up exercising every day and am starting to make future decisions that don’t include him – I have taken up journaling – all day sometimes – and doing as many distraction things as possible – sewing, doodle pad coloring, exercising, talking to friends (who all live away from me)
It’s been 5 months since he left. Everyone tells me it gets better, but it doesn't. It seems to be that I have one step forwards, two steps back – like the powers upstairs say “hey, she is moving forwards, can’t have that, let’s throw some more at her”( the latest being that my youngest has been offered a scholarship for college here and has decided to stay – I am of course very proud of him, but on the flip side really sad to be leaving my baby behind as that was not the original plan - so now I am having a wobble about leaving) Every day is a new day – I get that – but that elusive positive day just does not arrive. I feel like I am living on a rollercoaster and its making me feel sick. I cycle through the stages round and round they go. I still have this stupid fantasy that he will stop me from leaving, or come and get me once I have gone; but I know it’s just a fantasy and reality is that he doesn’t want me anymore and I am not sure I want him back as the new version of him anyway.
My problem at the moment is that he does not leave my head – I don’t want him there, I am distracting myself as much as possible, but he is still there. The whole situation feels unreal, like I am living in a dream – or a nightmare!
It really winds me up that he gets to smush me and my life into the ground and he walks away smiling and getting to have this happy, shiney, exciting new life.
I know that one day I will have that too, but how is it right that he gets to have it all when he is the one who has caused all the pain ? I find myself hoping to hear of a failure, a disaster – just enough to cause him pain, the same pain he is causing me to feel – but it doesn’t happen, he just gets to have it all …… I know, its bitterness, it’s not a nice trait to have and certainly not me, I have become someone I don’t recognise at times.
So I suppose I am asking for help. Help to keep me moving forwards as I am losing steam. Any insights would be gratefully received – like will he regret this, am I giving up on my marriage, am I doing the right thing by leaving the country, any tips on keeping me moving forwards.
I have lost my sparkle and I want it back :o)
Thanks for taking time out in your day to read this x
