S, I know because of my childhood, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If my mom was in a goofy, happy drunk mood, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it could change dramatically. If she was angry, we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so I learned not to trust my perceptions...and instead to trust my fears.
One of the ways that manifested itself in me was that I needed to be very organized and liked to know what was going to happen next.
I know now why I did that and while I remain organized in a healthy way, I know longer need to know what's next. I am more than ok with just living my life and letting it unfold the way it does.
My guess is that you have a need to anticipate how you are going to feel in order to be able to handle it.
We do what we know until we know something better. It's our comfort zone. We know how to act that way.
The thing about anger is that it should be used to propel you forward. After that, holding onto it just weighs you down.
It stops you from continuing to move forward because you get stuck there.
To me, if a feeling isnt serving me well, I find a way to let it wash over me because it isnt going to help me not to.
As long as we hold onto those feelings, we dont have to deal with any others.
I see such growth in you, S. It is wonderful to see.
