I hate to say this but right now with the open wounds our spoused have left we are not a good catch.
We will be wonderful catches when we have healed.
I would love to be in a relationship right now but it isn't fair to the other person.I'm to broken to give my heart away again right now.I'm working on mending my broken heart.
But I do have a few male friends who tell me all the time my husband is a fool.It is a ego boost.But it is not from the one I want to hear it from so it is only a temparary feeling.It will not fix what is wrong.
Another person would be a band aid and not a cure. Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
It's election night and W's candidates appear to have won by a nose. She's out sans ring and I expect her and OM to end the night together somewhere. In addition, she no longer has a distraction from our sitch. So despite the victory, I expect her to be very ornery in the morning if she gets up before I leave.
After this weekend's tirade, I have been in-house pitch black with her. I am very upbeat around her and the kids, but make no effort to be in the same room with her alone. PMA was a little low earlier because this week marks one-year from where our R took a "knowing" turn for the worse and W hinted at her initial doubts about her love for me. But tonight, with this board, PMA is back up again.
I had to stop by. I was thinking about you all evening with the election tonight. It will be very interesting indeed to see what happens next.
You are awesome! You are such a fantastic father and such a wonderful person. This knowledge will give you strength.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Quick morning journaling. It's boring, so you may want to pass.
W got home about 2 a.m., which is earlier than I expected.
One aside now, that will explain how far I've come in DBing. For about 15 months I've been experiencing hives/angioedema. The angioedema is essentially hives under the skin and it can cause, the eyes, hands, face, and lips to swell tremendously (please, no remedies on this--I've been to docs and have read all there is to read). It started about three months prior to our troubles, but there is little doubt that ongoing stress is a contributing factor. Yesterday was another episode, with the left side of my face and upper lip experiencing severe swelling.
This morning, W did get up about 6:45,and I congratulated her on the victory. She replied that I shouldn't congratulate her because she didn't do anything and that my face still looks grotesque. She suggested I stay home so no one has to look at me. Since this is my affliction, one gets a pretty good sense as to when you are improving or not--so I knew the swelling would be going down this morning (and it has).
In the past, I would have replied (and I thought this today), "Thanks, but I'm comfortable with who I am on the inside, and that's all that counts." Basically, a subtle dig at W. Instead, I just said, "Thanks, but I'm busy at work; I'll just try to stay in my office so others won't see me." That may not sound like much, but the ability to thought stop and avoid saying something that could be construed as confrontational is a big step for me.
Please be careful, Merrick! Angioedema can be life-threatening (you probably already know this)! I want to be able to have a drink with you in the city (I won't mind the swelling either), so please be overly cautious if you feel swelling in your throat!
The interaction that you described is a great example of how far you have come with DBing. I've noticed these same type of interactions with my H. You were not defensive and you acknowledged her superficiality (small dig).
I hope you are feeling ok today. Shouldn't that be the determining factor on whether or not we go into work...not how we LOOK? Take care!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
I wasn't going to post until later tonight, but W just sent me an e-mail (I kept kicking her phone calls to VM--and she left no messages).
In effect, she said that she was retaining an attorney tomorrow and wanted to know where the atty should send any info. She also wanted to know what my atty's retainer was so she could try and negotiate a lower fee. She added that her brothers' kids are in FL today,and her mother remarked how differently they behave than our kids--and my W attributed the problem to our R which must be ended to put her and the kids on a healthy path. (choke, choke).
I should have checked here first, but I called home. VM kicked in and I left a message saying that I had not retained an attorney and that any materials could be sent directly to me--at which time I'll decide my next course of action. I added that I was sorry that she felt this was the way to go, but that she should spend whatever amount of money she feels is necesssary to improve our situation.
Was this an okay message? At this point, I'll just concede the five grand and worry about what actually happens in our R. Previously, I've gotten all uptight when she has seen her attorney. This time, I will be as cool as can be. Her parents are coming home from their winter break in Florida this weekend, so the dynamics at home will become very iteresting because they are highly involved with us and our kids.
I confess the PMA has taken a blow to the gut, but I am much stronger now and W must now bear the entire brunt of moving forward with D alone instead of reconciliation. This is her D, not mine.
Quote: I confess the PMA has taken a blow to the gut, but I am much stronger now and W must now bear the entire brunt of moving forward with D alone instead of reconciliation. This is her D, not mine.
M,
Be strong as you always say, there is little else you can do. I know we dread when this instant comes, but I imagine it still hits hard, because you could never imagine such a result. And while she is moving forward with D, it is going to AFFECT everyone, you, children, family, etc, just like Michele says. Do the best you can, but I suspect when they get this far, their mind is set, but they do not realize now, getting out of the M will not change the person they are and have to live with.
W called and said my message was cryptic and that she didn't want to spend $5,000 if I was going to spring a surprise on her.
Me: "What surprise?" W: That you want the kids to live with you or you don't like the monetary arrangements. You said you'd negotiate in good faith. Me: I haven't even thought about this. I said you do what you have to do and I'll look at it in good faith. That could mean I disagree. Right now, I don't want a separation or divorce. W: Well then why I am I wasting my time going to an attorney. This is why we have to talk about what we're going to do? But you won't talk. Me: I told you how I feel, but you feel differently, so you do whatever you have to do and spend whatever you need. W: I thought you're concerned about wasting money. Me: That's not an issue on this. Look, I have to go now. You do what you have to do.
Not too bad, but 15 minutes later my FIL calls.
He says, I don't want you to go through ten years of history, but I care about W's health and what it means for the kids and you have to do something NOW to fix this. Do you want her to get ill?
Unfortunately, my thought-stopping didn't kick in here and I talked to him in a heated way that I never did before (I have a very good R with him).
I said, "Wait a minute. I'm really tired of having W's issues all laid at my feet. I'm not perfect, but she has issues that she needs to deal with. I've been trying for a year to make things work and trust me, you REALLY don't want to hear all the things that have gone on. I'm tired of being told what I should do and I'm not going to talk to this family any more. I'm not going to do it!!!"
And then I hung up.
A minute later, I called him back and got VM and left a message apologizing saying he caught me off guard. But I reiterated that there's a lot of things he will not want to hear if he gets involved--like my W saying that she wants a D because she doesn't want to give her kids the same miserable impression of M that her parents gave her. That would pierce my FIL like a jaded dagger and W's siblings are peeved that she said it. Anyway, the adrenaline is up but PMA is good. I will definitely pray on the commute home.
I will surely get fired!!! But I write as this is fresh in my mind.
W calls back and I make the mistake of answering the phone. She's calm, but asks what I told her father before I hung up on him. Did I call again?
I decided to be truthful and said I called to apologize, but warned him that if he wanted to get in the middle of our sitch, he'd hear things he didn't want to hear.
W: Like what? The e-mails with OM? Me: I really don't want to talk about this. W: You never want to talk. What did you mean? Me: Not on this (talk). Look, I don't hold any grudges and I'm just trying to live my life as best as I can and as best for our kids. You do what you have to do. I have nothing more to say. Goodbye.
I really want to talk and validate, but the control freak wants a fight and that's a cheeseless tunnel.
