Labug, I hear what you are saying. You're right. I don't need to shove it in his face. Can I also add without sounding defensive that I honestly believe that he is somewhat of a narcissist, and that my agreeing with the S (and most likely D) will ease his conscience about the whole thing. He's not the bad guy if I want this too.
I get that I have to STFU. I get that I can't express how I feel about our R because he is not interested in working on it. And yet, it's one of the hardest parts, since one of the problems in our M for me was that I never felt heard.
I think I keep hoping that there will be some sign from him that I should stay in the game-- that he is someone worth fighting for.
I'm not seeing it. I realized that I'm having a harder and harder time thinking of reasons why I'd want to be married to him. I see how easy it is to rewrite the narrative if you choose to. It's hard to remember feeling truly loved by him. I had reservations on our wedding day.
I'm thinking of whether I should still be here.
What does "letting go" but still "standing" for your M look like? Are those things incompatible? Does letting go mean I have to separate myself financially from him, too? Can I realistically let go while still sharing a bank account? An official address? A credit card? If not, how do I broach those things? Like I said, he'll be relieved and that will be it. I really truly believe that. It's a risky experiment to try...but I think I am close to ready for this to just be over. He doesn't want to be M to me. Fine. I will live.
Maybe I have to do some writing to get the rest of the hour and betrayal out of my system so that I can interact with him in a totally detached way. I'm not going to get any closure from him. How do I give that to myself?
I think he would feel very relieved if I said I was ready to move ahead with separating finances, selling the apartment, etc. I really, truly do. Maybe that is an experiment to try. My DB coach advised me to just sit tight and be my awesome self. I feel like I've been doing that for a long time and not much has changed. There were a couple of small positives that I don't want to read into anyway.
My 40th birthday is next summer. I don't want to be in this limbo stage by then.
