Going Down Hill 2

[Mozza]

What you should say is nothing. What you should do is everything.

W: Yes unfortunately I am sure. Some of the things you have said (as well as things that I know for a fact you are going to say in this process) make me confident you still aren't taking ownership for your portion of what went wrong in our marriage.

This is fantastic! She's giving you an opportunity to surprise her! She also seems to have a point: you rely on her to tell you what went wrong in your M, so you keep asking, showing her that you really are clueless. Very few people arrive here with a list from their WAS. They work through the issues with the help of the newbies and the vets. Make this list by yourself. Stop asking her: it's not working. Do more of what works.

Me:I guess the problem im having is that i feel that i do know that i hurt you and am try to correct that. But obviously i do not.
Some of the ways that i feel i have hurt you are
Never made you feel loved
Never made you feel beautiful
I made you feel like you had to impress me
I made you feel like you could not be yourself when i was around
I never gave you credit for the stuff you did for the family
Never made you feel safe.
If there is anything more please let me know so i can hopefully come to terms with it and get closure

What kind of response did you expect from her? An epiphany? "You finally understood! Let's call this thing off!"

So A little bit of begging going on.

A little bit? ;-)

But for the most part tried my best to be loving and forward.

How's that working for you?

I promise no more begging from here on in.

We'll quote you on that. Do it for you, for your M.

I think I set myself up for a good 180 in that if I do not beg or talk about the R anymore and act like I'm moving on with my life(I know I am supposed to try instead of act) but right now I not sure if I can do it. It would be a fairly good 180 on my part.

Yes, you're right, in that sense you're in a good place. You can really surprise her. You also need an attitude adjustment so that you mean it when you do it. This D is going forward, even faster as you try to stop it. One day, you'll be fine, that's for sure. You need to know that, then you need to show her that.

I just suck b/c I am still confused about what I did that was so bad and she does not seem to want to tell me.

Get your head out of the sand and admit to what you've done wrong. Explore, share and see how people around here react. You have obviously doing something wrong and saying you don't know what it is doesn't erase it.

She says she has no plans on being with anyone else in the near future and just needs time for herself.

My W was adamant about this too. "I want to be by myself. I don't want to be in a couple." Yet she had an OM in the wings - probably an EA at that time, became a PA a few weeks later and told me officially 7-8 weeks after leaving. My take is that people so intent on leaving often have something new to look forward to. We don't know. How would it change your behavior knowing she has an EA or PA?

By the way, you're going through things that I just couldn't bear. My W doesn't even talk of divorce and we've had no asset separations. My heart goes to you.