Your statement that it's tough to find a balance between denying feelings and being at their mercy slapped me right across the face. You're so right.
Because if that I'm becoming more aware of how far in advance I plan how I'll feel about something. Isn't that silly? Because I'm so reactive and I know it, I try to cut back on my reactivity not by addressing what inside me makes me that way but by planning my feelings around every single scenario way far into the future.
I'm wagging the dog to avoid having to look her in the face (I'm the dog in this scenario).
I was meditating to a guided meditation and the guide said, "I want you to simply notice the discomfort you may be feeling rather than try to change it when we scan the body for discomfort in a few moments" and I immediately started to plan for how I'd handle being uncomfortable in a few minutes, how I'd create a miracle by simply noticing it to relax the tension...
I'm even trying to control my meditation. I grasp on to everything. What in the world would happen if I just LET IT BE?? My habits are so ingrained to DO and FIX that I have no idea how to simply BE.
If it weren't so glaring it'd be hilarious. Geez. Today was a big day for awarenesses. I'm grateful though. I'm not stuck and I'm not on the floor crying next to my vacuum.
