Going Down Hill 2

[zed]

I did break the rules and gave it one last try before mediation though. I emailed wife:
Me: I just wanted to make sure that you did want to go through with this and that you believe there is no way that we can work this out. I think you know that I do not want this. I want to work on this together and get back what we had in the beginning and hopefully much more than that. I realize that I have made mistakes and that I am not perfect but who is.

W: Yes unfortunately I am sure. Some of the things you have said (as well as things that I know for a fact you are going to say in this process) make me confident you still aren't taking ownership for your portion of what went wrong in our marriage. Sometimes things have permanent consequences and I wish it wasn't the case but it just is.

Me:I guess the problem im having is that i feel that i do know that i hurt you and am try to correct that. But obviously i do not.
Some of the ways that i feel i have hurt you are
Never made you feel loved
Never made you feel beautiful
I made you feel like you had to impress me
I made you feel like you could not be yourself when i was around
I never gave you credit for the stuff you did for the family
Never made you feel safe.
If there is anything more please let me know so i can hopefully come to terms with it and get closure

Never did get a reply to this email.

So A little bit of begging going on. But for the most part tried my best to be loving and forward. I promise no more begging from here on in. I think I set myself up for a good 180 in that if I do not beg or talk about the R anymore and act like I'm moving on with my life(I know I am supposed to try instead of act) but right now I not sure if I can do it. It would be a fairly good 180 on my part. I just suck b/c I am still confused about what I did that was so bad and she does not seem to want to tell me. She says she has no plans on being with anyone else in the near future and just needs time for herself.