Train, are You OK??

[Train]

Wonka! I've been here ... I promise. Checking in almost daily to read, but I've had a hard time just making time to sit and write much.

I keep hoping that will change.

Yep, still many pats on the ol' H's bum goin' on. Things are pretty good. I had heebie-jeebies for the first time yesterday in quite some time. And it was so weird what brought it up:

I've been looking for a specific piece of furniture for my hallway for over a year. Like, I look WEEKLY for something vintage that comes close to matching my vision. (I'm not a jewelry person or a traveling person ... I'm a furniture/home-decorator person). I finally stumbled upon something I really, really liked. H knows I've been looking obsessively since the month before BD for this one.particular.piece. So, I had a picture of this piece I'd had my eye on for about three weeks. He's like: "It's perfect. Let's go pick it up."

I hesitated; it was a little out of my budgeted price range. But it was the first piece he's heard me say was "close to perfect" since March.

So I should be elated, right? H isn't being stingy and selfish like he's been known to be in his "past life."

But on the way to pick it up? I had a knot in my stomach. Why? Because he also bought me a coveted piece of furniture for our 10th wedding anniversary ... and we went to pick it up together ... just five days before I caught him cheating in February.

It was WEIRD to go on another furniture pick-up (the first since BD). And it didn't feel good. At all. Those flashbacks are serious business! But I went. I talked to H about it some, when (noticing I was being a little quiet and withdrawn, I suppose) he asked if I was okay. And that was that. And I loved the piece. And we bought it. And he took me out to dinner. And I spent today painting it and distressing it - making it mine - and I love it. And him.

And I'm moving on ...

I can't say our new M is EASY. It's not. But it's a HELLUVA lot better than what it was!

Am I still expecting him to leave again? Absolutely. But am I holding that over his head or allowing it to impact my behavior? Absolutely not.

I know this is going to take time, sweet time. And lots of hard work. Some days? I want to throw in the towel: why delay the inevitable? That's what I ask myself. But H has gotten SO much better at communicating with me and sensing when I need to talk. And I've gotten better at knowing how to meet his needs. I'll even catch myself NOT meeting his needs ... and I'll pull myself back to "center."

With the wreck and then D18 becoming pregnant, it's been a struggle for us. But we still make time for each other every Saturday for date night. Right now, that's about all we can do. But we sneak in other moments as we can to spend time together and to catch up.

All-in-all? I can't complain.

I'll swing over by your thread for sure. Big, big hugs to you, Wonka!!! I miss you!