This does not require an immediate answer, Claire. Why don't you sleep on this tonight and see how you feel tomorrow. Sometimes it is okay not to respond to everything right now. H's text does not constitute an emergency. Do you know where your children are tonight? Then you can sleep fitfully without any worries.
If possible, why not arrange a quick lunch or dinner with a GF tomorrow. There's nothing like a great pick me up as a good friend.
BTW, FWIW, my plan is if we get to the stage where we're dividing assets, I'm going to ask H to buy me out of the house so I can get myself & the kids a place and he can deal with selling it too. It will be the first time he'll ever have to deal with a realtor if we go that route. I get a certain amount of satisfaction from the idea.
Tomorrow is another day, right?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks, Wonka and Maybell. I really needed to hear that.
My D is safe and happily asleep in her bed in my home.
Tonight I will dream of a new partner who will open doors for me, tell me I am beautiful and smart and that he's lucky to be with me, kiss me on the lips and look into my eyes and tell me that he loves me, be willing to listen to me and consider my feelings.
I found if it wasn't an emergency and was something I was really unsure of I tried to give myself time to mull it over before I gave a response I had the potential to regret. You need to be in a clear level headed state of mind.. Not an emotional response
Labug, I hear what you are saying. You're right. I don't need to shove it in his face. Can I also add without sounding defensive that I honestly believe that he is somewhat of a narcissist, and that my agreeing with the S (and most likely D) will ease his conscience about the whole thing. He's not the bad guy if I want this too.
I get that I have to STFU. I get that I can't express how I feel about our R because he is not interested in working on it. And yet, it's one of the hardest parts, since one of the problems in our M for me was that I never felt heard.
I think I keep hoping that there will be some sign from him that I should stay in the game-- that he is someone worth fighting for.
I'm not seeing it. I realized that I'm having a harder and harder time thinking of reasons why I'd want to be married to him. I see how easy it is to rewrite the narrative if you choose to. It's hard to remember feeling truly loved by him. I had reservations on our wedding day.
I'm thinking of whether I should still be here.
What does "letting go" but still "standing" for your M look like? Are those things incompatible? Does letting go mean I have to separate myself financially from him, too? Can I realistically let go while still sharing a bank account? An official address? A credit card? If not, how do I broach those things? Like I said, he'll be relieved and that will be it. I really truly believe that. It's a risky experiment to try...but I think I am close to ready for this to just be over. He doesn't want to be M to me. Fine. I will live.
Maybe I have to do some writing to get the rest of the hour and betrayal out of my system so that I can interact with him in a totally detached way. I'm not going to get any closure from him. How do I give that to myself?
I think he would feel very relieved if I said I was ready to move ahead with separating finances, selling the apartment, etc. I really, truly do. Maybe that is an experiment to try. My DB coach advised me to just sit tight and be my awesome self. I feel like I've been doing that for a long time and not much has changed. There were a couple of small positives that I don't want to read into anyway.
My 40th birthday is next summer. I don't want to be in this limbo stage by then.
Can I also add without sounding defensive that I honestly believe that he is somewhat of a narcissist, and that my agreeing with the S (and most likely D) will ease his conscience about the whole thing. He's not the bad guy if I want this too.
How would you feel if he said this to you because you're so keen to keep the marriage? Just because you have the moral high ground doesn't mean some of the motivations might not be similar.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
What does "letting go" but still "standing" for your M look like? Are those things incompatible? Does letting go mean I have to separate myself financially from him, too? Can I realistically let go while still sharing a bank account? An official address? A credit card? If not, how do I broach those things? Like I said, he'll be relieved and that will be it. I really truly believe that. It's a risky experiment to try...but I think I am close to ready for this to just be over. He doesn't want to be M to me. Fine. I will live.
Claire- I'm just going to speak to what this looks like for me, I'm not sure if there's a right or wrong answer.
Letting Go -To me, I have let go of thinking that any of my actions (including 180s, GAL, PMA) are going to have any effect on STBX, at least in regards to returning to the marriage. I have accepted that the old marriage is cooked. He is on a journey that I do not understand, but that I know will have many twists and turns. I am still doing all the recommended DB techniques, but I truly get they are for me and for my kids right now. I'm not fighting him on the divorce - although I am protecting myself and not "helping" him either. your H might very well be relieved, I'm sure mine was - but there is nothing to say this will be a permanent state of affairs.
Still Standing For the Marriage- All that being said - I still think the best possible outcome is to somehow come together as a family again. I'm not entering into any other romantic relationships (I'm too vulnerable now anyway), I'm working on myself, I'm not scorching the earth and most importantly (to me anyway), I am doing my very best to forgive him so that if the opportunity arises, I will be in the appropriate frame of mind to meet him halfway. I should say that I am a long, long ways from that. It just takes a glance at my children and a quick thought about how their life has changed to make my blood boil - and I know I have to get past that. I hope I have the strength to do so.
Letting Go - I have dropped any and all expectations of my W. I continue to DB, but it's for me and my kids. I will try different things with W, like paying her compliments or other things, just to see if it has any effect whatsoever. But largely, I consider her to be lost on her path. The wheels of D are in motion, so this is now time boxed, and the realities will be setting in on all of us, without me having to do a thing. We are all living in the same house for now, and I am grateful to be with the kids. There is nothing to be gained by fighting W or D. W is still living in the dreamland where she will simply collect a big monthly check from me, and then go spend it acting half her age with no responsibilities. Letting go has freed me from trying to protect her from what I believe to be the inevitable consequences and the disappointment that will come with them. She must do this on her own, and I am not expecting an eleventh hour Hail Mary.
Still Standing - Like Raliced, I believe the best outcome is to survive as a family. I don't believe in standing at any cost, and that is why I am at peace with the D being in motion. A year of DB from BD to filing, and another year of DB to get the actual D is a not something I will be ashamed of as being too hasty. Right now, I cannot conceive all the conditions that would have to be met to make me feel comfortable in a R with my W again, and since she's not even offering such, it is futile for me to bother myself with it. But I also know that we can surmount a lot of barriers if we were ever to both want the same thing. I know there is no point to burning bridges, and that forgiveness is key to my happiness and a healthy atmosphere. It's also the image that I want to project to the kids.
I don't like the situation; I can't seem to make it better. But it is completely in my control to not make it worse. I can act in a way that doesn't give my W any reason to believe that D is her best option. I'm acting consistent with my values, and that lets me sleep at night.
