Wow, Merrick!!! I'm sorry this happened. I agree with Eddy. I think it is time to call the exorcist.
My H did the same thing on several occasions. It felt as though I was having an out of body experience. I could hear what H was saying, but I felt very removed from what was happening and I was thinking, "This is crazy!" I think that you have to dissociate like this for self-preservation. In retrospect, I think that my H was trying his hardest to make me blow up or throw him out, but I didn't. In the end, he even admitted (a little) that he behaved foolishly. I'll bet that when your W cools off a bit (maybe during mass) that she'll realized to herself what a wacko she is being.
You are showing amazing strength through all of this. I'll bet thinking of you this weekend.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Quote: the best I can do is take care of myself and show her the new me by not getting angry as I showed tonight. If she ever opens up to me in a meaningful way...I'll be there.
As difficult as this is, you've done an amazing job staying calm and patient and doing for you. I believe she is past opening up in a meaningful way; I think is past a number of things. But past is past and try as we might, we cannot alter the past and must move forward, forward to a better place, a place you seem to be well on the way. Very difficult, but your reserve is inspiring.
All of you guys are amazing people among the best friends I've ever had!!! I really think I'd be a basket case without you.
I'll do some journaling on W's bitzkreig, which even continued through the eucahrist at church tonight. Some replies first.
Eddy, as always, thank you. When you say "be prepared" when I retreat, is there anything specific you have in mind, or is it just the caustic behavior. Or are you warning me about things like restraining orders as she gets desperate?
Briget-I wish I were as beautiful as you sound--inside and out. While I wouldn't say I'm a slouch, we 42 year-old 5'6 guys don't turn too many heads at bar unless we're flashing a lot of cash. I hear you loud and clear on vulnerabilities--but you have to trust that I really need an ego boost from a woman other than someone I work with or who is a family friend. If it is true that there are more Sally's out there than Harry's (and I'm not a Harry), I think that will help me more with my W.
Betsy--Thanks for the encouragement. As for the language, you made me think. I worked on Capitol Hill for 15 years and have been on the receiving end of similar but more acid laced "talks" from our former NY Senator. F*, MF*, MF*C*S*er are common words among NY politicos--so it's natural that my W has it in her.
Chrstine-Out of body is a good description. I'm glad I'm alone onthese types of attacks.
Back to journaling: I think what's happening now is that W realizes I will not lift a finger on seperation prior to her attorney meeting next week. She's ready to plunk the $5k and realizes it's all her--not me, so she needs the enemy. There's also a lot of paranoia about what will happen to the kids once the legal balls starts rolling. And as Eddy noted, she may be scared that the ball might roll on her.
W started up first thing this morning and asked how I was going to solve our problem. But first, we needed to talk about the day around our errands. When I said I could take the kids to the park while she did campaign work, she replied, "Why did you say 'take,' because you're planning to take them away from me, right?" I said I had no such plans. While she stopped the "F" word, she called me an idiot and almost and a-hole. I told her to stop the name calling--and she then moved into the sweet/kissy routine. She then finished with the I'm killing her routine and placed Matthew's blood libel on me saying, when she finally gives out, "the blood will be on my hands."
I then went to a reunion of my church retreat group, which has regular meetings in preparaiton for the next retreat. I kind of gave a glimpse into my private life--including among some folks who know my W. I felt bad about doing this, but the support and Faith of this group is overwhelming--and I learned that many carry their own demons as well.
When I got home, I received constant questioning on everything from W. When I offered to take D8 to a Bday party later in the afternoon, W responded, "Why, because I can't handle it? I can. You're always trying to undermine me." I said I was sorry for giving that impression and was simply trying to help if she had conflicts.
Later, even Church proved to be no sanctuary. We went to 5:30 mass and I forgot to bring our gift envelop. W gave me a $20 bill--which WAS our regular weekly contribution before our Monsignor made his last cash call plea. So I have been bumping it up to 30 0r 40 since December. When I added $10 more to the collection basket, we had this exchange, with W talking loud enough for others to hear.
W; You put in $30? M: Yeah. W: Why did you do that. M: I usually give $30, sometimes $40. I feel generous. W: Hrummph. Since when did you decide that we should give more money?
I sure hope she can get a camel through the eye of a needle.
Later, during the eucharist while kneeling, I had my eyes closed. I often pray with my eyes closed at Church--and it's usually asking God to give me the strength to make the right decisions and to protect my W and family. Nothing abnormal here.
But when W gets back from taking the eucharist, she says loudly and in a cynical tone. "What's with the closed eyes and all the drama. We don't need the drama"
So there you have it. W is babysitting for a neighbor now. For my neighbor's sake, I hope the evil spirit stayed at my house.
I have to say that this was one of my best DBing days ever. I confess that my stomach was in a knot a few times today, but there were other times where I felt as good as can be. If someone asked me how I felt, "I could offer a heartfelt terrific." Until next time.
Merrick, I think it is soooooooo wonderful that you do not give her the rise that she wants out of you.Keep up the good work. You are very patient and kind.
First, thanks for continuing to check on me and your support, I really appreciate it!
Secondly, I think there is a level of detachment where you are putting your feelers out there in the market, just to see what is out there. Talking to women is just talking, it takes a long time to build that emotional connection. From reading your posts, I know you have a strong constitution and will only proceed if it is right for you.
I would like to say it sounds like your W is really reaching for stuff here. Really hard. Looking for any tiny detail to jump all over you. I know you might not want to hear this, but it reminds me a lot of Eddy's W when she got the police involved and all that other stuff. Really reaching. Not that your W would do that, but when they get desperate and have no grounds and they try to shove a square peg in a round hole, they really get pshyco. Theres no other word for it. This might be what Eddy was mentioning.
You are an amazing person to be able to stomach this, even if it was in knots some of the time. It just goes to reaffirm your level of detachment but willing acceptance if she wants to give any effort to try and return. Reminds me of the "Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do" scene from The Passion, and of course the Bible.
Use that support group from church and any others. I don't think you should be shy. You need it for you and she obviously doesn't need it or care. Keep doing what is good for you and your family.
Quote: While I wouldn't say I'm a slouch, we 42 year-old 5'6 guys don't turn too many heads at bar unless we're flashing a lot of cash.
Don't sell yourself short. I don't even know what you look like but I would go out for a drink with you anytime and I'm sure there are plenty of others too! Maybe I'll give you a ring next time I'm in town!!!
Quote: would like to say it sounds like your W is really reaching for stuff here. Really hard. Looking for any tiny detail to jump all over you. I know you might not want to hear this, but it reminds me a lot of Eddy's W when she got the police involved and all that other stuff. Really reaching. Not that your W would do that, but when they get desperate and have no grounds and they try to shove a square peg in a round hole, they really get pshyco. Theres no other word for it. This might be what Eddy was mentioning.
I agree with Seattle. Please, please keep your eyes and ears open! My H was grasping for reasons too. At one point he threatened to have me involuntarity committed, luckily, it's not possible in this state. Just as in Eddy's case, there can be absolutely no grounds for any accusations (his was eventually dismissed), but what a mess it can cause. I'm not trying to scare you...just keep your eyes open.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Merrick buddy, I agree withn Christine, Dont sell yourself short. I have to tell you Merrick, being back in the singles scene myself at our age women are not as interested as much in how we look as to what your made of inside. Its not thre same as when you were 23 or whatever, its alot different now. Women seem to be more aggressive to a guy that has character and is responsible. Remember there are alot of women out there who got the D because there H was "gone fishing" and they just lost it for them. We are not the normal D people I dont think. While we were helping with the kids and doing our share of help around the house, our W found someone else. There are women out there who would kill for a man as loyal and devoted as you are Merrick. While you may not feel as though you can love like that again you would be surprised what will be around your corner. Your a good guy with a huge heart. Hell Id marry ya if you were not so damn short. We are going to have to hook up for that Yankee game come summer with Christine. I bet she is a hottie.
As for the warning, I would hope your W wouldnt go as far as the restraining order, I just mean to watch out you dont give her an excuse. I think mine was looking all along for a good excuse to leave. She figured I would have to get laid or something and would not wait for her. All she had was such silly things to complain about me that eventually when I did find a hottie to talk to on the phone she reacted with vengence in that this was her excuse. The axe dropped and she had an excuse to kiss my a$$ good bye. Justification in her mind. Although she new it was a stretch she could tell all "I" had someone else. Her guilt was cleared. Be careful. We are some good guys and I think in some respects they know it and it makes there decission all the tougher. she is struggling so bad inside because she knows she is screwing up but cant let the OM be. He is like the devil sitting on her shoulder telling her what a shmuck you are. Inside she knows its wrong but her mind, being in the infatuation mode, is telling her to go to him. KOFTGF. You are a good man and the women will find you irresistable. Your story will melt most womens hearts. They will think what a fool she was to leave such a good hearted man.
Oh and by the way as ussual your story is following mine to a tee. My W also complained about giving for the church. I am convinced they are twins or something. They go to bible studies and all the other things but insist on giving less? Its the guilt inside of them over what they are doing,. The church and its beliefs are also standing inthere way. My W has said she will switch religions rather than get an anullment. She says Lutheran is close to caotholic and she doesnt like that women are not more equall in the catholic church. More justification to make her story more believable to her self. If they keep telling it to themselves sooner or later it is truth. God BLess,Eddy
Keep on prayin' Merrick...God is testing you and your strength will get you through this. It was great that you didn't cave to your W in her bantering.
Sometimes those aliens really can get nasty and for you to hold your ground is a good thing. I remember that some of the others on the BB did the same thing and eventually things turned around for them. So, if your W really wants out then it's up to her to leave.
Keep it up and you will be blessed. Tootles.........
Some replies first.
While I wouldn't say I'm a slouch, we 42 year-old 5'6 guys don't turn too many heads at bar unless we're flashing a lot of cash. I hear you loud and clear on vulnerabilities--but you have to trust that I really need an ego boost from a woman other than someone I work with or who is a family friend. If it is true that there are more Sally's out there than Harry's (and I'm not a Harry), I think that will help me more with my W. 
I confess that my stomach was in a knot a few times today, but there were other times where I felt as good as can be. If someone asked me how I felt, "I could offer a heartfelt terrific." Until next time.
