Can you say to her, I wasn't in any pictures in the book last year so this year I'm including some with me?
I know this hurts. I went through my own ups and downs over losing my in-law family, a family I'd been a part of for 3 decades. In my case, they weren't the ogres I made them out to be in my mind, they were just uncomfortable. So I let go of them, too. It wasn't easy but it gave me peace of mind.
Healing happens as it happens. You'll get there.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
How do I not read finality into this.... and more importantly, how do I respond:
H:" do you think it's time we returned to the mediator to finish the co-parenting/separation agreement?"
Possible answers: A) sure B) you know this is not what I want but if you are certain it is what you want, I won't stand in your way. I know I will be fine without you as my husband. C) you are a jerk and i hate you. D) none of the above. ..
I find it odd that he's asking if YOU think it's time. If HE thinks it's time, why can't he come out and say that. Trying to place the decision on you?
I think you know the best answer Claire. You wrote it and wrote it very well.
Yes you did.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I find it odd that he's asking if YOU think it's time. If HE thinks it's time, why can't he come out and say that. Trying to place the decision on you?
I was kind of thinking the same thing. Like he's feeling you out. My H did the same right before we were scheduled for our first mediation. I could be mind reading but just a thought
I would maybe shorten the reply some. This is not what I want but I won't stop you on your path to happiness. I know I can be happy too.
Having a co-parent agreement in place is good for several reasons:
-it clearly spells out what each of you is responsible for -it prevents misunderstandings -it forces you two to communicate logistics about the kids
It is nothing to do with divorce per se. Change your perspective and then you'll be able to respond accordingly. I suspect that your response will be a bit more centered...no?
Wonka, Sort of makes sense. We have a parenting plan that's just drafted. He's resisted every step of the way having anything set in writing. (He's used the phrase, "I think we can figure things out ad-hoc as they come up". In his black and white thinking, he sees that having an agreement in writing means there is no "flexibility", despite the fact that I've assured him repeatedly that a default agreement is just that-- we will always be flexible when we can, but there is a fall back plan in case we can't reach consensus.
It is probably time to deal with the finances... to sell the apartment (I dont want to/not sure I'd be able to take on the mortgage myself), this is NOT my dream home by a long shot.... also divide up assets that he is spending on himself and other women. Maybe it will become more real for him when he agrees to write me a check for thousands of dollars a month and give me half of nearly everything he has. Maybe I will move my daughter and I into a new apartment before we sell this one so that I don't have to be the one inconvenienced by keeping a "for sale"-level clean apartment and disappear during open houses, etc, while he gets to just walk away. Maybe he will remove the rest of his old books and other crap from our home that he hasn't asked about in a year.
I haven't let go. I'm still so angry. I read MWD'S and Gottman's advice on Twitter or FB and I think, "you d-bag. How could you just walk out on me and never once make any real attempt to repair or rebuild our marriage?"
Jeez. That time of the month and I'm suddenly back to square one. Argh!!
Thanks for the suggestions. T0, I like your shortened response, too.
I think his asking me if *I* think we should move forward comes from his semi-narcissistic side. He cannot stand to be the bad guy. So, if I say that I want this to happen, too, then he's not the bad guy. It's just what *we* decided.
Wonka, are you suggesting I should say something like, "sure, it will be good for us to have a clear parenting plan in place?"
I don't know if I feel ready to say that. I am pouting tonight. I had a horrible dream last night where I confronted him with an OW (she was young and blond), and he and I got into a screaming match. It was the first time I had a dream like that that I can remember. I woke up rattled and then of course couldn't get back to sleep.
So, please excuse my attitude tonight-- I am completely exhausted (3.5 hours of sleep does NOT cut it) and totally stressed and overwhelmed at work, and am so p!ssed that I don't have a partner in life right now. I want someone I can say, "honey, I'm really swamped at work, can you get home so I can stay and get some work done?" and then when I get home, there is take out, and a glass of wine, and a back rub, and hugs, and words of affection. Instead I am stuck with this selfish d-bag.
Gah, so much self-pity. Ok, on the bright side, I had such a great evening with my D. She helped me make dinner, ate well and we had a lovely conversation, we played for a bit after dinner and she went right to bed (so tired, poor thing!) She is the light of my life.
