Thank you for the perspective, rppfl. It is sincerely appreciated and very welcome. You're spot on as well, I might add.
Her bottling of communication is one of those chicken and egg things. She was always kind of that way. In the beginning of our relationship I helped her come out of her shell quite a bit. She's always had a lack of confidence and some self esteem problems. She used to try to do extra things for me, going the extra mile, giving in, because she though it would make her more attractive to me. I recall many times where I let her know that her happiness was just as important as mine, and she only had to put that much effort into things is SHE felt comfortable with that. I always like doing stuff for her, but that's my nature, I wasn't sure if it was hers and I didn't want her to feel like she had to.
That being said, I understand full well the damage I did to her openness by being as overbearing as I was at times. And I was. And I regretted it and did my utmost to change that aspect of me that was causing the problem...both for her and our marriage as well as for myself as I realized I didn't like that about me. More so during my cancer thing, I realized that I had been way, way to pushy when I thought I was right about something I believed was important. Believe me when I say that I did a lot of work on that aspect of myself long before she left and was deeply remorseful that I had become that way to her.
Of course, my reparation of my self in this respect went unnoticed by my wife. And she was justified in being skittish concerning this as well and holding on to her perception as opposed to what I had changed.
I am very, very hurt by her leaving. I certainly can point to numerous things I believe she did wrong in our marriage. Only a couple of things really matter in the end. But I can also point at a lot of the things I did to do damage to our marriage...I just don't see them as enough to make her leave without trying to work it out nor be as outwardly angry or cold at me as she is now. Of course, she does.
I know it sound contradictory in some ways. But people change over time. In some ways I changed for the worst. Then I changed for the better in more than a few ways(not perfect, just a whole lot better). I would give much to have had her notice and to open up to me when we still had a chance to do so. Or to believe in me enough to pay attention to who I had become (gotten back to) as opposed to that which she thought I was based on a long ago track record. I hope we may still have that chance. I would give anything to have that opportunity.
