I saw IC yesterday and she made some incredible observations.
Mostly she noticed that I "seemed different" and pinpointed it to that I was dressing like I had a life and seemed "lighter". I explained how, with all of your help, I'd been doing much better, feeling better about myself and really working on those things that bring value to ME.
At the end of the session she observed that I'd started off talking about myself, my strength, my work, etc. then moved on to talk about US as a couple, how we'd interacted at D's karate tournament, etc., and then ventured into talking about HIM and how he's so difficult to live with.
Fascinating how I did all that in 50 minutes. I KNOW I have more to work on but I seem to want to build a consensus with how un-awesome my H was during our marriage because I think that justifies my terrible behavior.
Interesting huh?
Yes, he is REALLY difficult to live with but I'm no peach.
Plus, if I get a well educated and very experienced therapist to say he's NUTSO for leaving me then that should solve everything right?
Um. no.
Gotta work on my trying to make myself have value by devaluing him. Easy trap to fall into but it isn't the hard work.
Back to the drawing board.
On another note, I'm really struggling with my BFF having completely abandoned me (or at least that's how I feel) in the middle of some really hard stuff and this morning I get a phone call from her husband saying she really needs my comfort and support right now because she had to take her baby to daycare this morning for the first time and isn't handling that very well.
Ugh! I hate that she's going through so much and struggling with this. It's not easy to be a new mom and have to drop your new baby off with someone else while you try to keep your mind on work and whatnot. It's hard and heartache inducing BIG TIME!
But my instinct is to punish and not be there for her because I've had to struggle so much alone.
Could I be more like an 8 year old on the playground?!
I hate this about myself. The score keeping in every situation.
I did call my BFF and talk to her while she sobbed. I told her I'd check in on her later in the day, too.
I just wish my effort were matched when it came to relationships... and when it's not, I punish and pull back and build up resentment.
