Hi Little, as you know I am in a very similar situation. And I too struggle with the same questions you have. It is easier not to be "friends" with the ex, and gives you some peace of mind not having to think about how to reply to his contact, then feel sad when you don't hear from him, and have to be a part of his new life with OW or whatever.
I questioned this board a lot about whether I should be friendly or not. I waffled back and forth myself and tested out different methods. I still have not figured it out. But I will tell you what I have discovered so far.
Being "dark" will make it a bit easier for you and will probably make him miss you. But then what?
He obviously misses you in his life. As you said you have been best friends for 8 years, and he misses that too. But does he miss you enough that he will beg to be reunited with you? Maybe, but probably not. Just my guess. Probably he will wonder what you are up to, have you moved on? He will want to see you or talk to you to find out. And then he will want to think about how he feels about you now.
I think we need to be just friendly enough that the door is open a crack. Friendly doesn't mean best friends. I think the 80% rule is smart, you know about that already? Respond to him in a positive and friendly way, don't initiate, and be 80% as warm to him as he is to you. If he starts to have second thoughts he will then feel more comfortable coming to you rather than if you are cold and distant and have made a line in the sand that he shouldn't bother you unless he wants a relationship.
I do admire your stance and your honesty with him. I just don't know if a hard boundary might make it more difficult for him to get closer to you if he is having second thoughts. Also being friendly and keeping communication open is a good way to show him your 180s and any good changes that are happening with you.
But if you need to pull back for your own sanity then by all means that is what you should do!
And I always check your thread to see what secrets you may have uncovered that I can use as well!
I hope your appt with the IC is helpful! Hugs, Lisa
