Quote: Whether you want to push me forward or hit me with a frying pan, I'd welcome your thoughts.
M,
An unfortunate question to deal with. X months ago it would not even be a question. The thought you are considering it and moved forward on the bb and the email answers a lot of your own questions. I've actually ponder such scenarios when I reached the final point. And I confess, at least right now, while I'm physically attracted to some women I see, I could not imagine opening up emotionally again and having to put myself in that arena. I don't know if I know how to flirt or date again. Would like to try it on W again.
You ask a tricky question here. Whenever I would reach a point like this, I would ask myself, "Christine, how would you feel if H did this?" I know that I wouldn't like it. I don't like the idea of keeping these kind of secrets and, until the ink is on the paper, I want to be 100% committed to the M. If it is not something that I would like H to do, then it is not something that I can do.
A question to ask yourself is, "what are you hoping to get out of this?" I would advise extreme caution because you are more vulnerable than you think. Do you want to complicate things more than they already are? Do you want to get another person mixed up in all of this (even if it is casual)?
On the other hand, it would be good to add some mystery. Is this possible without actually involving another person?
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
When my husband walked away and found another woman the message he gave me was that out relationship was worthless and that I was worthless.That our family was worthless.And that I and my feelings did not matter.
Yes I have throughly gotten the message he has moved on.
So if I started to date I would be agreeing with him.
Do you want to send the message that your relationship is worthless?
Do you want to hurt her? Is dating going to send her the message that you love her? Will it bring you closer? Will it make you proud of yourself? Will it be the honorable thing to do? Will you be keeping you word Or wedding vows?
I'm sure having another woman will for a while make you feel better,But in the long run you will not have done something you will be proud of.
You can not respect yourself if you do not behave in a respectable way.
Look at how a lot of WAS feel guilt.I know I don't want to feel that way myself.
You should hold yourself to the same stanard you want from your wife.
But a little mystery is a good thing.You can make her wonder if you want.After all I did this week.Did you see my thread on MLC and what I did.I might have gone to far but we will see.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Hey Merrick, I've been following your sitch for a little while now. I know exactly where you are coming from - needing some emotional deposits.
I think you have to make a decision, give your M everything you've got, or just go through the motions. If you are just going through the motions, go on the date. If you are serious, be aware of how your actions support, or destroy, what you want your R and M to become.
I know it is tough, having W getting with OM what you are missing. I used to dream about running into a girlfriend from college. I've put that dream behind me. If my M doesn't work out, I'll have plenty of time to pursue it then. When M does work out, I don't want to have anything to regret.
You do have to do things for you, and be mysterious, but keep your M goals in mind.
This is a time for me. Time for me to be the best H, father and person I can be. This is not the time to do what W is doing.
Merrick I think you know my answer without even asking. I also am a good catholic and I know our religion would not consent to this I think you have to take into light what you are trying to do. I see nothing wrong with going on the date and seeing the woman as a freind. There is nothing better than some good female companionship to boost your pma and give your self esteem a charge. You have been through hell and to deprive yourself of this would be a sin in my book. Only we know how hard we have bent and twisted to save our R and M and to not be able to go for a coffee now would not be taking care of you. While I know the other side of the coin is that you dont want to find a reason to walk away just keep in mind that you are vulnerable right now and the ladies will see this and dial in on you. fresh meat on thwe market. You'll get used to women now days compaed to when you were dating your spouse. I find it alot more fun. They see you for what you are alot more now, they all want a good steady man with a paycheck and someone reasponsible. They are much more outspoken about what they want and they go get it, instead of waiting for it to come to them. Go for the gold buddy, you deserve a break and some female friendship. I know it feels awkward but it is all part of taking cre of you. God Bless, Eddy
Mucho gracias everybody (the potential date is Latino ) I was about to say from a quick view earlier that the verdict was in, but in between periods of the Isles game, I came down and saw Eddy's post--which may change everything.
To me this is not about working on my M, I've been seeking that--even if the wrong way for one year now. This is about me taking care of myself and detaching from W. I think I have enough sense and Faith to stay out of trouble--but I also know that Eddy got a great PMA boost just by having some new female companionship outside of work and our usual freinds. It's just a break!
Heck, W is out again tonight, is retaining an attorney next week, and is an unrelenting angry monster. I have my faults, but I did not do this! Oops W walked in!!!
Well, after the last 15 minutes, I'm ready for a date now!
W came home as I was writing at 12:15. Although I expected her be in around 3 while I was asleep, Satan must have taken over her body because she was in rare form. I may miss a few of her words hereafter, but this is literally the gist of what she said for 15 minutes over and over again.
"What time do you have f**ing have to get up in the morning. Where are F**ing sleeping. Can you sleep down here so you don't wake me up in the morning?"
I replied that I don't like sleeping in the basement because the bed is uncomfortable and I don't want the kids seeing me when they get up.
Her answer It's all about f**ing Merrick. What? Did your f**ing counselor say not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable? Why do you want to sleep in our f**ing bed? Are you really comfortable; I'm f***king not. Oh, but you're a good f**cking husand and father, so you won't go! You'll stay until we all fu**ing die. Oh. That's right. It's my fu*king problem; like it has been for the last ten years? Right? What are you watching? The f**cking Islanders! I'm Merrick so I'll sit on my computer with divorce.com and my f***cking BB friends and watch the f**king Islanders. (NOTE TO MERRICK: I never mentioned this BB to her--but some relative must have--another reason to keep my mouth shut)
This was interspersed with her making fun of the way I talk and being about as obnoxious as I have ever seen her in my entire life. I can't wait until she takes communion on Sunday!
I have indeed detached because all I could do was watch this in amusement and had to keep myself from smirking. I did say politely that I would not listen to her swearing diatribe and at one point just laughed when she mocked me. If anything, I was guilty of insensitivity, but I kept releaxed and upbeat the entire time. There was never an angry word, motion, or even body language.
So, getting back to my earlier post. Right now I really can't work on the M apart from improving myself because nights like tonight most usually occur when she has been with OM--and so long as she maintians that addiction, the best I can do is take care of myself and show her the new me by not getting angry as I showed tonight. If she ever opens up to me in a meaningful way...I'll be there. And as for the date, I'll NEVER put my own immediate gratification (improper that is) over the needs of my family and kids. I truly belive that. Have a great weekend, everyone.
Thanks again to everyone who dropped by. I'll try to visit your threads this weekend. Incredibly, the PMA is still high and I'll thank God and y'all for that.
Boy Merrick sounds like she is already f---ing opening up to you. I wish she would watch her f---ing language though. Is the other man a f---ing sailor or what? Dang Im waiting for you to tell me her head is f---ing spinning and she is throwing up green puke. I think its time for an exorcism.
I feel for you Merrick, its all the more reason to disconnect and take in some convo and coffee. Nothing wrong with it, you deserve to have some adult convo and good interactions with someone else. Your so right in that you can control yourself and use restraint, just tell yourself no other R until the R your in now moves in one direction opr the other. If the other w wants something from you tell her the same. Be open and sincere on this from the start with her and she will understand. I know with my sitch I was to the point I just started to not care anymore about what my actions would mnean to her. I was myself and did what I wanted to do for me. When she saw me retreayt from being her yes man she freaked out. Beware of this and use your head if this happens to you. Be prepared. I wish you good luck and happiness in whatever you do Merrick. I know you will find it somewhere around the corner. Hang in there and KOFTGF. God Bless, Eddy
Merrick, I go out every wekend and shoot pool at a local bar. I get hit on all the time.However I would never bring one home.I get asked out all the time.It is an incredable ego boost.
When my husband found another woman I thought there must be something lacking in me that he could replace me so easy.But going out has shown me how easy it is to find someone just build up your ego.And that is a rush.I could get used to that.But I also know it is not real.The people in bars are out for one thing and one thing only.I'm worth more than that.Are you?Yes you are.
I like to talk to people and have a good time with my friends.There is nothing wrong with that.But you have to know you are opening up yourself to an affair if your not careful.And two wrongs don't make a right.
One way I look at this is would this be something I would want for my daughter one day.Is this something I can brag about to my kids?Sometimes I'm sure the things I do I would not even begin to tell her. But I'm not ashamed of my behavior.Just not kids stuff.If they were grown I could tell them without being ashamed.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Wow, you are an AMAZING guy! I have to tell you that I'm beyond proud of how you were able to conduct yourself and live through that godawful tirade. You've got an amazing constitution... What kind of law do you practice?
I've read and heard about people who lower themselves to fighting dirty just to get what they want. And I must say, after reading your posts a couple times and cringing, it looks like your W has stooped that low. Please tell me that she doesn't do that in front of your kids? I know you were posting really late and that probably isn't the case, but I really pray so.
Guilty of insensitivity? Are you nuts? No jury of your peers would EVER convict you of that sin last night.
I've been thinking about you all morning, and hope you keep yourself occupied with better things. Too bad I can't stand in for your W when I head to confession in an hour... if I could, I would.
Big hugs, special guy.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
fresh meat on thwe market. 
You'll get used to women now days compaed to when you were dating your spouse. I find it alot more fun. They see you for what you are alot more now, they all want a good steady man with a paycheck and someone reasponsible. They are much more outspoken about what they want and they go get it, instead of waiting for it to come to them. Go for the gold buddy, you deserve a break and some female friendship. I know it feels awkward but it is all part of taking cre of you. God Bless, Eddy 
) I was about to say from a quick view earlier that the verdict was in, but in between periods of the Isles game, I came down and saw Eddy's post--which may change everything.
