Is it too late?

[sunshinelewis]

Gwen sounds like u are trying to figure out if it's mlc for sure. You are trying to convenice yourself it is. Truth is it doesn't matter. As for your marriage, no marriage is perfect and I'm sure u have things to work on within yourself.
In my opinion I think labeling a person as mlc, causes us to become stuck. Waiting and putting our lives on hold hoping the person will snap out of it.
Gwen if u do this, u will forever be in the same place. He obviously is unhappy, whatever the reason. The sooner u let him go, the sooner he will figure this out.
He needs to miss his family, unfortunately u and the kids suffer from this, but there is no other way around it.
I think they lump everything together, they don't want to be reminded of their decision. Out of site, out of mind. Some can handle it, some can't (speaking of being with kids here). Believe it or not, their decision to leave is hard for them, they are very unsure. That's why it's so important to step away and say ok if this is what u want......then ok.
Now did I do this?......nope AND I am divorced. I went kicking and screaming. I am not gonna say this us the whole reason for my divorce......but it sure couldn't have hurt to trust in the ones that went thru it before me.

Hang in ther Gwen. Are u staying occupied?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Sunshinelewis,

Wow. you have come along way. I hope you listen to her advice Gwen.

[tadpole1025]

I too went kicking and screaming. Looking back, I see it was the wrong thing to do. It didn't do anything but make her run faster.

Tad

[123Gwen]

Sunshine - I am certain it is MLC. That is why I am struggling. I agree that ultimately labels can make us stuck into thinking or behaving in a certain manner.

I am struggling because I am moving forward quickly with a separation and yet I do not believe in divorce, especially if a spouse is in crisis. I am moving forward to protect myself and my children from any more financial harm. Logically this is the right path but emotionally it is hard.

MLC kind of defies description unless you've had firsthand experience. H is still making his own choices and I have accepted all his choices. I am not kicking or screaming at him. I am using LRT and oretty much dark.

This sitch certainly makes me sad. I am in IC, trying to GAL and praying H will find peace and happiness. I love him enough to let go. The sadness comes from feeling like H is not well. Yes I am simplifying but it feels lousy.

[123Gwen]

GG -

I find myself rereading your post almost every day. THANK YOU!

I feel like you got inside my head and added a whole bunch of good juju for me to remember during dark days.

I am grateful I live in a state where separation is recognized. I can draw those boundaries and protect myself and my girls without filing for D. Unfortunately the business side of separation seems to be at odds with the DBusting philosophy. I was so confused but I keep coming back to your wisdom GG...

My actions are coming from a place of reason. My goals are self preservation and peace. I am not comfortable with the speed of this process but I am comfortable with my motives. For now that is going to have to suffice.

I am trying to pack my DB luggage wisely. Sadly I have lost a good friend or two (they thought I was too slow and should be over it) but I also realized I have a lot of fantastic people in my life. I am In IC and while the emotional side of things are slowly progressing I understand that this will take time. I keep reading but I don't want to obsess. I keep praying but I don't want to become fanatical.

The trick is in the balance. I am carrying some heavy weight with the business of a formal separation. I guess that's ok as long as I let it go as soon as possible to let in other tools that will help me grow and learn.

You are such a gifted writer GG. Thanks for sharing.

[123Gwen]

Upon advice of counsel I sent H an email yesterday re: separation agreement. I explained why I he be receiving papers via certified mail. Kept it short, factual and pleasant. Said good morning and thank you. He did not respond and I did not have that expectation. I did not mention our daughters and I have to admit I am so sad for them that he does not ask.

I feel like this was courteous and professional and completely detached. I am taking care of business and not being vengeful. That being said I also feel like I am not showing empathy or compassion for the man I have loved for over 25 years.

How do you reconcile having to be detached when your heart just wants to profess to them how much you love them? How can they ever find their way back if detachment is so detached?

[CaliGuy]

How do you reconcile having to be detached when your heart just wants to profess to them how much you love them? How can they ever find their way back if detachment is so detached?

Thats the brutal part, its almost like you have to carry the pain for both parties at times. I can not answer this for you as I struggle with it too .... hence why I placed the Zombie tag on her, I love her and can not stand to see her go through this ... but I know she must complete the journey alone, setting them free is the unselfish way to show love, even when they are blind to it. All you can do is that .. and keep the road home paved and clean, pray, and hope they find their way through the fog and back home.

[Georgiabelle]

Gwen,

I'm sorry you are in a difficult place. I'm certainly no expert although there comes a point when it comes to a) protecting yourself financially and b) respect. Look a it this way.....telling your h you love him and want him back will do exactly.........right. Nothing that brings you the results you want. I know you are hurting and I know it sukks. We all do. However, I think you are showing empathy and love by leaving him be. It sounds crazy, however, that is respecting that your h needs to walk this journey and you need to walk yours.

Mini hijack-my h was picking up kids for school one day last week. Smoke was coming out of the hood of his car. When we were m, I would have been anxious and kicked into "get thee to a repair shop mode." I would have taken over and been worried about the costs. However, now I just thought "ex Mr GB is having an automotive woe. Those sure do sukk!" I didn't wish any ill will towards him as automotive issues sukk. I just realized it was no longer my issue to deal with just as when I had a blowout on the highway, I didn't expect him to help.

It's a process. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[123Gwen]

H's bday is next week. It's a big one. Not sure how to handle things. The girls do not want to send him a gift or card. I am neutral with them but I am struggling with all of this. I mean I am LRT. I am dark. Our attorney's are negotiating a separation agreement and it is contentious. Not acknowledging his bday is not who I am then again....

DBusting doesn't address birthdays. Any thoughts? This is so new and right now he is avoiding life. He only talks to OW. I have no expectations but it feels awful not to acknowledge his birthday. The fact is we are not friends right now. Should I let it go?

[job]

If you are in LRT or dark, why would you want to send one? Would it make you feel better? Did he acknowledge your birthday?

I, personally didn't send my xh a card after he walked out 30 days prior to his birthday. I felt he didn't deserve one after the way he had behaved and the lies he had told during that time. Six years later, he always sends me a "happy birthday" text and I generally do the same. Likewise the holidays generate a bit of contact, but other than that I remain detached w/him, i.e., of course it will soon be 15 years for me and a divorce in the mix.

You have to determine if you want to send one, but do so w/o expectations. He may or may not acknowledge it. If you do opt to send a card, make sure it is very generic and do not sign w/the word "love" or anything that is romantic or addresses him as your husband. As for the girls, it's their choice and if they do not want to do anything, then don't force the issue.