I thought everything was okay...

[sandi2]

We did go out on date nights, probably once a month. We had one scheduled the weekend after the BD. The issue in the marriage with dates, vacations, her own nights out and all was that we never got to the point that we both felt balanced. She felt we didn't do enough and I thought we did too many. This issue got worse once we had kids. I know that I didn't focus on us as a couple compared to us as a family. I actually wrote this in the letter to her during the week of BD.

When you say that the two of you were not "balanced", do you mean you did not agree about the amount of time given to these activities....or are you saying you couldn't equal out proper time for each other, the kids, the jobs, etc.?

I know I brought stress home from work, which was my comment about being grumpier than I should have been. However, I don't think any of these were at an unhealthy level for myself or the M. I was just trying to say on the post that I did let my emotions known and sometimes I let stress at work affect my mood at home. I don't think anyone, including her, would characterize me as a moody or an unhappy person.

Would you say she is "sensitive" to your mood? You sound a lot like my BIL. He brings his work home and is pretty grumpy. My sister is the type that whatever mood the other person has....it affects hers. I don't mean that it made her grumpy, but it brought her spirits down a lot. To me, he appears mad at the world when he first comes home. But I'm sure he would disagree. Anyway, that's what I mean when I ask if your W was sensitive to your mood? Did it bring her down?

Also, I think that the balance of work was not equal in her mind as you said. I really did try to make it as balanced as possible.

Are you referring to the housework or professional work? B/c you say you did share the chores about equally. So what do you mean about the work not being balanced? Did she think her job was harder than yours? What if it was? What could have been done about it? I guess I don't understand.

According to my W; with OM they would hang out on their day's off and supposedly just go to the movies, lunch, etc. It then expanded out from there. So that's some credence in your theory. Double ugh...

Lastly, as far as losing her identity, I need to think on that one. I never have figured out exactly what she meant. My gut is that she feels as if being a mom/professional/wife has caused her to lose who she really wants to be, but I don't know. To tag this with what I said above, maybe it was the lack of Quality Time for the M and for herself made her feel trapped?

I think you're getting warmer. Maybe she feels she is blending into what you see as your "family" until you can't just see her apart/separately. I wonder if she has wanted to grab your hands, put them on her face and say, "Look at ME, not the kids or anyone else....just see ME for a little while".

Think about it. Her and OM, no kids, no house chores, no discussion of bills or what they have to get done next or what the kids need. It is just her and him.....together. All of his attention is on her. It's not what they are doing or where they are going that really matters to her....but that she's the center of his attention and admiration. They flirt, he feeds her ego, they giggle and enjoy each other's company, he makes her feel special, and he makes her feel young and attractive. They may share what they think or feel about things, talk about beliefs, personal goals, dreams, fantasies, whatever. It makes no difference how many years she's been M or how old she may get, a woman still needs this from her man. (Who should be her H and not OM.)

To me, needing or wanting this from her H has nothing to do with self-confidence or esteem. It's just like the man needing admiration and respect from his W. We all have certain emotional needs that our spouse should meet, not some other person. It is our responsibility to learn what the other one needs. What makes them "tick". I think this may be what some call "soul mates", b/c they feel their souls connect.

For women, it's not all about the surface. It's not all about the physical stuff around us. It goes deeper. It is about each other's spirit, or the soulish part. That part that is the real inside person that makes you--"you". It is about connecting the souls. That is what so many men don't comprehend. If you feed her soul, if you make love to her soul, if you will spend time with her soul.....she should be a satisfied lady! But when that part is neglected and starved for so long, she feels like she's died on the inside. The emptiness is horrible and it leaves her in a vulnerable condition, b/c someone is going to notice her one day, or she's going to reach out to another person.

There is a lot of information written about what women need (as well as about what men need).