Hi Merrick,

I know I've said this before, but your W is very miserable and it has little to do with you. I was just listening to a CD about being unhappy because you give up your identity. You become someone's wife or someone's mother and that becomes your identity. This is not healthy, but it is a challenge that your W needs to face on her own. You need to detach from trying to help her or taking resposibilty for her pathologies. The only thing you can do is validate that she is unhappy and has no sense of identity.

Through my H's alien invasion, he exibited signs of deep depression and low self-esteem. He said that if he didn't D me, then his soul would die. I had to detach from helping him and just adopted the attitude that I will be there to hold his hand, but he would have to help himself. The good thing is that you don't have to wait for WAS to get cured of their pathologies. My H still has his depression and we were still able to reconcile.

Also, I see a common pattern with these WAS in that many of them seem to exhibit dysfunctional behavior in order to drive the LBS away or in order to get thrown out. They don't want to be the one responsible for the breakup. My H argued with me about minute and insignificant things and had tantrums like a child. He wanted me to get mad and throw him out so that he would have an excuse to run to OW and make me out as the bad guy. I agree with Betsey that your W is trying with all her might to get you frustrated enough so that you will leave. She is trying to force you out and it's not fair. If you leave, then she will be the ever-suffering wife and mother whose selfish H left her. She feels so bad about herself and she wants everyone to feel sorry for her. Boy, talk about self-destructive behavior!

You mentioned in a previous post about your spiritual quest. DB has sent me on a spiritual path that I didn't even know that I was taking at the time. I struggled each and every minute to show unconditional love even when my H was most undeserving of my love (I guess that's what unconditional means ). I have found that I now treat other people more kindly and that I can never go back to the way I was before (not that I was so terrible, just less enlightened). I now know what "real" love is. It's loving someone when it is hard to love them. Everyone can do it when it is easy...the challenge and growth is in the difficult times.

I started to realize that, no matter how my sitch ended up, I did the right thing for myself and for another human being. I can look back and feel good about how I treated my H even when he treated me badly. It seems that through this example he has become much more loving towards me.

Christine

I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!