I get blamed for what my Mom does too. Don't sweat it, there is nothing you can do.
I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to work issues between W and kids, W and her sister, W and my parents...Somehow, I always got the blame from both sides.
People here on the board tried to tell me, but I didn't listen...Oh, well.
Hope you have better luck. Heck, I'm not that crazy about my Mom and her little notes to W were still my fault.
Last night, I had an "inquiry phase" meeting on RCIA that went about two hours. When I got home W was asleep. This morning, when she woke up she asked about it and I told her a little bit about what was discussed (no mention of our sitch).
Then five minutes before I was to leave to get my train, she comes to me and went into the I'm killing her routine, saying:
"I know you don't care, but I can't go on like this any longer. I've done everything I can. How can it be good for the kids for you to allow my destruction? Is that what you want? Why don't you just face the inevitable"
I just looked at her. She then said she was going forward with meeeting and retaining her attorney next week ($5,000). D8 came into the room and I gave her a sunny welcome, while W pressed for my opinion. I think she was expecting a hostile reaction from me, but I just said, "I care about you more than you can imagine--but you do what you have to do." She pursued me out the door, but I greeted a neighbor walking down the street and did not turn back to the house."
My initial reaction to her retaining an attorney is to protect my cash and move monies out of our joint account. But then I thought about marital love and decided that for now, this is just money. The most she can take from my "share" in liquid cash and stocks is about $40,000. If she wants to go that route, she can keep it. If the M blows up, I have ways of recovering that.
Anyway, I think my PMA took a hit this morning, but I don't feel any anger and feel very ready to move on forward whatever she does. This was not a severe test of my new detachment, but a test nonetheless--and I think I passed.
W just sent me the following e-mail. My initial reaction is not to respond. Those of you who have followed my sitch know that W has rejected counseling and says D is the only answer. That my validating only fuels her belief that D is the only way and that she presses for my views and then fights them. While her perceptions about my behavior are what she feels, they are necessarily based in reality. In my pressuring days, I made it very clear that I don't want to continue living like this forever and want to build something new and special with her--which she says is impossible. Perhaps I am too "cold" to see an opening. Any thoughts?
i send this to you for no other reason except to get it off my chest and for you to consider. i know your way of dealing with things is to not deal with them at all. obviously that coping method has worked for you but it certainly hasn't worked for us and it certainly doesn't work for me. please understand why.
i do appreciate and understand that you care for me and that you never thought we would be in the place we are in. i never did either which i don't know how much you really understand that. however, knowing intellectually that you care for me when we don't relate to each other or manifest it makes it meaningless and irrelevant when we not living it in a way that brings any sense of happiness or fulfillment between us.
i've said a million times before, i built my life around you and the kids and to now have to face the reality that except for three children, i have nothing to show for it is devastating to me beyond what i think you understand. i feel like i had so much to offer, we struggled so much, and then i just became numb. i don't want to rehash all that - it is what it is and serves no purpose now.
but the here and now is what obviously concerns me beyond comprehension. because caring for my family is my life and it is all i know and it is all i have been doing for the past ten years, it is who i am. i can't just say - oh well it's okay that things are not what i want. i can't just put up a wall and find other distractions. i can't just focus on the little bit of temporary happiness i may derive from something. for me, every minute of every hour of every day i am defined by being a mother in this house - that is what my entire life is all about and is defined by. so can you even imagine doing all this with an immense emptiness and unhappiness deep inside under duress that is enough to bury you alive.
the way we were living - the emotional divorce, peaceful coexistence - was bad enough. but what we are living now is just not tolerable or acceptable. it is unhealthy and detrimental to everyone involved. it scares me - for my sake and for the kids sake - beyond imaginiation to think we are going to stay like this. and i know and understand it scares you to think about moving on and readjusting our life as we knew it. but moving on has to be better than this - it is not a death toll - staying like this is the death toll. it is unfair for the children, for me, and quite frankly for you to live under this everpresent, constant black cloud, to perpetuate the lie and to accept this way of life.
Why does she feel that YOU have to be the one to leave when SHE wants out? What would happen if you were to validate this diatribe and offer her that alternative?
Better yet, what were Laurie's words on this? I'm sure you have already discussed this with her, so please don't assume I know the answers.
It just seems awfully close to her tying to control you and the circumstances to deliver an outcome that SHE wants. Therefore, when you leave, the responsibility for the failure will be pointed at you.
I don't like it at all. Furthermore, you deserve better.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
W has been saying pretty much this same thing for six months...she just never wrote it down. The key point within this e-mail is that raising the kids is her life; thus, in her mind, she can't leave--it has to be me. To be more precise, other than being a "good mother," she has now defined her marraige and her chosen life as mostly a failure. For her to leave would be akin to a total, complete, and absolute failure. In other words, the only definition of self that remains for her is being a mother. Those kids are truly her life right now and she can't let go.
I don't want to be mean, but these are pathologies that I can't control and which contributed to our mess in the first place. My deepest regret is not being more understanding of what was going on earlier, taking things personally and selfishly, and exacerbating the problem by not digging deeper to show her more love in a way that she would understand (5LL). But it is what is and I have learned from my mistakes.
Quote: i know your way of dealing with things is to not deal with them at all. obviously that coping method has worked for you but it certainly hasn't worked for us and it certainly doesn't work for me.
does she really believe this? she doesn't recognize that you have been making efforts to deal wtih all of this?
how do you feel she would react if you made some observations and confronted her with them in a gentle and kind way?
Quote: i do appreciate and understand that you care for me and that you never thought we would be in the place we are in. i never did either which i don't know how much you really understand that. however, knowing intellectually that you care for me when we don't relate to each other or manifest it makes it meaningless and irrelevant when we not living it in a way that brings any sense of happiness or fulfillment between us.
sounds like a lot of blame on you for all of this and no ownership on her part? holding onto all the reasons for the pain and resentment, thinking being rid of you will rid the pain when it will only carry it forever and also lose you. how do you break the stalemate?
I know I've said this before, but your W is very miserable and it has little to do with you. I was just listening to a CD about being unhappy because you give up your identity. You become someone's wife or someone's mother and that becomes your identity. This is not healthy, but it is a challenge that your W needs to face on her own. You need to detach from trying to help her or taking resposibilty for her pathologies. The only thing you can do is validate that she is unhappy and has no sense of identity.
Through my H's alien invasion, he exibited signs of deep depression and low self-esteem. He said that if he didn't D me, then his soul would die. I had to detach from helping him and just adopted the attitude that I will be there to hold his hand, but he would have to help himself. The good thing is that you don't have to wait for WAS to get cured of their pathologies. My H still has his depression and we were still able to reconcile.
Also, I see a common pattern with these WAS in that many of them seem to exhibit dysfunctional behavior in order to drive the LBS away or in order to get thrown out. They don't want to be the one responsible for the breakup. My H argued with me about minute and insignificant things and had tantrums like a child. He wanted me to get mad and throw him out so that he would have an excuse to run to OW and make me out as the bad guy. I agree with Betsey that your W is trying with all her might to get you frustrated enough so that you will leave. She is trying to force you out and it's not fair. If you leave, then she will be the ever-suffering wife and mother whose selfish H left her. She feels so bad about herself and she wants everyone to feel sorry for her. Boy, talk about self-destructive behavior!
You mentioned in a previous post about your spiritual quest. DB has sent me on a spiritual path that I didn't even know that I was taking at the time. I struggled each and every minute to show unconditional love even when my H was most undeserving of my love (I guess that's what unconditional means ). I have found that I now treat other people more kindly and that I can never go back to the way I was before (not that I was so terrible, just less enlightened). I now know what "real" love is. It's loving someone when it is hard to love them. Everyone can do it when it is easy...the challenge and growth is in the difficult times.
I started to realize that, no matter how my sitch ended up, I did the right thing for myself and for another human being. I can look back and feel good about how I treated my H even when he treated me badly. It seems that through this example he has become much more loving towards me.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Thanks Christine--you've been another steady source of support and inspiration and I really appreciate it.
There's not much for me to say. I also think that OM is nudging W in the direction that if she is so unhappy, it's okay to force me out. That was certainly the drift of one of his e-mails to her last year. I really dislike him for the harm he is causing her, but that too, is out my control.
As for spirituality, I don't know if what I'm doing now is arrogant bluster and I hope my heart is truly changing rather than being manipulative. But if you truly believe, then you have to have faith in His worldy plan and begin channeling the heart from one of self-gratification to one of loving others--or at least viewing them as God would view them. This does not mean become a doormat, but to view life through an entirely different prism. While my life is in complete turmoil, in a way I can't describe I'm also getting an intial taste of peace that I have never really experienced before. In addition, I have begun recasting my relationship with my kids to something much better than what it was before.
I really should focus more on work today and leave this board until tonight. Thanks again.
I know I've seen posts on this issue before, but wanted to get the views of some of my regulars.
When the D bomb dropped last October, I began looking at Internet dating services just to see what was out there. I even wrote up a profile to test my marketability, but kept it non-searchable. My profile says I'm Separated (emotionally anyway) and that I don't want any serious R's., just comraderie with those in similar straits.
In my recent state of detachment, I sent a few notes to those who caught my eye and one lady who liked my profile responded and led off by asking if I was Catholic (I put this as my religion), why was I ending my M. I replied honestly and warned her that this was her chance to run, but that saving my M is my number one, two, and three choice, but I still needed a sense of the what the world was like beyond M.
After trading a few short e-mails, she suggested actually meeting for coffee.
Should I go through with this? I believe I'm strong enough in my faith and values to enjoy new female company while resistsing temptation, but am I underestimating my vulnerability? Would this enhance or undermine my DB efforts? There's a part of me that says this is necessary to renew my confidence in order to continue effectively DBing, but another part of me says it's flat our wrong. But is this any different than going to a bar with friends and striking up a convo with a girl you find interesting? Maybe I should wait until I speak to Laurie.
Whether you want to push me forward or hit me with a frying pan, I'd welcome your thoughts.
Hey Merrick, never posted w/you before but came over to thank you for visiting me (in place of Eddy ) Anyway, just catching up on your post here and have some thoughts...
I am torn on this issue personally as well...but IMHO you have to do what is right for YOU. Through things I've read on BB and some books, it does discourage it bcoz we are already vulnerable and it could add to some sort of endangerment w/our current sitch if WAS finds out.???
So, what am I saying: companionship is okay and friendships and you already stated that in your profile and in your discussions w/OW so if you're comfortable w/that, then go for it.
On the flip side of that I would have to say that meeting someone in a bar and talking to them is a bit different coz it's spontaneous and you can walk away at any time. It's nice to chat w/others but this scenario to me is less pressured coz it's not pre-meditated???
I don't know kind of mixed for me. Not sure this helps any. Have you ever read any of the threads from Hearts Blessings? She has some very good insight for MLC and even though your W may not be in that category, it seems to fit in some sector w/WAS actions. Might give you some additional insight to your question.
Good luck and again thanks for popping over to see me. I welcome the support from all! Tootles.........
). I have found that I now treat other people more kindly and that I can never go back to the way I was before (not that I was so terrible, just less enlightened). I now know what "real" love is. It's loving someone when it is hard to love them. Everyone can do it when it is easy...the challenge and growth is in the difficult times.
) Anyway, just catching up on your post here and have some thoughts...
Tootles.........