It doesn't feel like a fairytale anymore...

[fthnluv]

As time goes on, life and God has a way of evening things out. Things will not always be rosey with those two, I can guarantee it. It's just a matter of time before infatuation and real life settles in with those two. Trust me. The consequences of their actions will surface. I guess what's so hard about it is that it's not on our time line, but God's.

I'm torn on being excited about them paying the consequences in God's time and not wanting anything consequence-wise to happen to him, other than the Holy Spirit coming over him and removing the fog from his head and making him want to truly repent and save our family. I realize that *could* happen, even as early as tomorrow, but it's not likely to happen anytime soon and maybe never.

Lately I feel like he did all this chit and I am the one here, picking up all the pieces of our broken lives... kids that are having outbursts for no reason, suddenly peeing the bed again, trying to take this on and solve it themselves.

It's just not fair. I accept it as the path that has been put before me and that I must try to walk it with as much grace and dignity as possible but I sometimes wallow in the pity too.

While reading my bible today I came to the realization that I am still treating H as my god or idol to worship and that until I get this under control and truly worship God above H I will never have peace.

It also made sense of the issue that I was worried about today when I realized that H's new FB profile was public (if you look for his name you can easily find him) and that means that people might see that he is putting it "out there" that he is with someone else now.

That hurts so much and I was afraid that it would make a reconciliation harder, if people knew the H he is being now, so I wanted so badly for him to take it down (not that he would care about my opinion there). That way I would not have to defend him and explain that he is in MLC so that they wouldn't think less of him.

Then I realized that I was, once again, trying to make him my god and make him perfect, even to everyone else in the outside world.

Then I realized that it is not in my control and that even if the whole world knows that he is currently a lying cheater that would make it all the more the glory for God if/when our marriage is reconciled and better than ever. God will get all the glory, not me and not H, as he will clearly be shown to be a man who has (at that point) been changed by God from a scumbag cheater to a devoted husband, dad, and man of God.

I think this will let me let him go a little more, to stop protecting his image to the world. And, if I'm honest, I guess I have to be ok with not being perfect myself, even to the outside world.

I like days when I feel like I make some progress in my growth. Today is one of those days.