Ganb8te 2 - WAH - lost in translation

[Zues126]

granb8te, not sure this is good advice, just projecting my feelings on your sitch. I think you have to detach MORE. And allow MORE distance.

Here's the thing about the idea of 'doing what works'...it suggests that you can somehow control the outcome. You can't. Your H may never come back, open the door, or come around. 'Doing what works' is about maximizing those possibilities, but you can't control another person.

I don't think a letter or talking with his friend are good ideas. All I think that will do is send the message to your H that you are still attached to him, and he is not in danger of losing you as a back up plan. I don't see him reading a letter and deciding to close the gap.

I'd be preparing yourself for your life without him, for yourself and for your next R. You don't have to burn bridges. Letting go doesn't mean giving up. It means acknowledging you can't control him, respecting his decisions, recentering your life on you, and accepting what you have been given in your life.

What would you do if you knew he'd never come back? What personal goals would you set? When do you feel you'd be ready to start dating again? Any things you'd need to work on for yourself before you'd feel ready to be in a different relationship?

What's the difference between giving up and moving on? I think giving up means blaming the WAS for the breakdown, stopping your personal growth, and being the same person you always were. I think moving on but using your experiences to become a better person, maybe not the one your WAS wanted exactly but someone that has learned from their failures and has grown from it...I think that is the best DBing you can do at this stage.

Vets, I'd love to know your thoughts on that. This is where I'm at and how I'm viewing it. If I'm off course please correct me and make sure granb8te doesn't listen to me. If nothing else I wanted to bump this thread up