I did a quick check of the board after lunch and am happy I did. You are 300% correct. W used to have this sing song chnat, "Where would I be without my best friend... Merrick?" Kids, work, life, did a lot to break this up. And like most of us, I took my M for granted in that we would always work it out. And to drive this point home, her pet name for OM is Best Buddy.
Right now, she will not accept my outward friendship and, right or wrong (she is the one who refused marriage building counseling), she has viewed my actions of recent months as reinforcing a combative R between us rather than a cooperative one. She sees me plotting to take away the kids and to blame her for everything. She has her issues, but at the core is a beautiful woman who simply wants to be validated in life. My job is to move her to the point where she no longer sees separation/divorce as the only option to one where she can accept validation from me. That requires kindness, compassion, and real self-reflection on my part over a long period of time to accomplish. It will not happen overnight.
Many of my W's relatives think that I should move out so that W's life is miserable and she'll understand the role I play in her life, but that's not how I view it. To me, that would be spiteful and make her dig in her heels more. I now understand what DB Coach Laurie means when she says stay in the house until it's totally counterproductive. Laurie means show her your good side at every opportunity and contain the beast within me when it wants to fight. If she needs space, give it to her. In my mind, staying is only counterproductive when I fully implment DBing approaches and go backwards; to date, I have not really done that (full DBing) because I have not sufficiently detached and worked exclusively on bettering myself. After much trial and error, I think I'm finally there in these areas (praised be to God for helping to shine a light of peace on me) and I feel ready to get back to work, as a loving father and friend to my W. It may be extremely rocky while she tries to push me out (or moves out herself), but I think I'm up to the task. Wish me luck.
