I can't seem to kick the miserable feeling I have after the Divorce. I was feeling a little better before the big D, but now I'm miserable most of the time. I think some of it is the massive load of stuff that I have to deal with.
For one, I'm practically bankrupt. I made a few mistakes financially after the separation and that didn't help. The lawyer took the rest of my cash, and child support keeps me from digging out of my hole. I chose to keep the house, which I've been renovating for years now, but that has partially put me in a bind. I also have a car I'm making payments on that I think I'm going to have to sell. Even though I make good money, most of it is taken in debt from the marriage, and child support. And no, the house is not fancy and over-sized. It's a modest 100 year old house. If I can get it refinanced the payments wouldn't be any more than renting an apartment. I've almost got enough renovations done that I can get it refinanced. I'm hoping my debt to income ratio doesn't make it impossible.
I've also had a series of pet related and other emergency expenses that have only increased my debt load.
For some reason my ex is loaning me money to get the house done. I'm not sure what is going on there. She otherwise shows no interest in having anything to do with me. If it weren't for the kids I don't think I would ever see her again. I can only guess she's doing it so she can get her name off the mortgage sooner. Selling the house isn't an option now, because it's part of our agreement. I have to refinance it in my name now in order to sell it. I don't have a desire to sell anyway. Working on the house is one of the things that keeps me sane.
Part of my state of mind is how she has frozen me out. Granted we are divorced now, but she didn't even save me a seat for our daughter's musical. I don't know half of what is going on in our daughters lives, unless they tell me. I feel like she's trying to erase me from the last 13 years.
I miss my kids. I'm missing so much of their lives, and it's killing me inside. There is no way to replace that. We have joint custody, but she is the primary. We were supposed to review the custody schedule in June, but it never happened. I've sent her emails about it (for paper trails), but she just didn't respond. I can't do anything about that though because I can't afford to hire a lawyer again. I've also been told that if I make too many waves in the first 2 years I could lose the joint custody.
On top of all this I've been laid off at work. The good news is that I have until next August until my contract runs out. The bad news is that I can't find anything that pays near to what I make. I have too much experience now, and that makes me too expensive. I work in IT at a university, but IT isn't as valued as it used to be.
When I was working to save our marriage I was probably in the best mood, and health, that I had been in for years. I honestly thought that if I made myself a better happier person that the W would see it, and start to warm up. I later found out that the only thing I accomplished was irritating her with my morning workout schedule.
Am I having problems detaching? Probably. I'm in therapy, but that can only accomplish so much. I don't even want to get into dating. Unless I wan't to try to pick up women in bars there isn't much opportunity. I'm actively looking for a job, and working to get the house refinanced, so I'm not laying around waiting for something to happen. I just can't see a silver lining, and I do miss my kids.
